Why Are People Mean/Suck?

No, I don't have a specific incident that triggered this blog topic, but as I was on my walk today, I started thinking about how more and more it seems that people just aren't nice.

I mean, it doesn't matter how many good things you say or do, how much you go out of your way, how far you bend over backwards, how encouraging you try to be...people just end up sucking. Have you noticed that? And then it turns YOU mean sometimes, and perpetuates the cycle.

Why is it that people just don't seem receptive to a good deed or a kind word anymore? Sometimes you're met with a harsh comment, or at the very least you just get ignored. It's weird. I know when someone does something nice for me or gives me a compliment, I feel incredibly rude if I don't at least say "thank you" or return the favor, or pay it forward to someone else.

Anyway, I don't know why this seems to be a trend. People are hardened now or something. Too wrapped up in their daily stress? What's up?

Playhouse Ponderances

I was watching Pee-Wee's Playhouse last night (shut up, let a girl live out a little nostalgia, wouldja), and the whole episode centered around Pee-Wee trying to decide who to take to a Hawaiian dinner with him. He had won two tickets, and everyone in Puppet Land was sucking up to him so he would take them.

So. Yes, that took up a whole episode. Finally, at the very end, he remembered that Jambi could grant wishes, and wished "there was some way he could take everyone to the Hawaiian dinner." Mecca-lecca-hi mecca-hiney-ho, the playhouse became the scene of a luau.

But here's the thing. Everyone partied for about a minute and a half. Then, all of a sudden, Pee-Wee went over to the wall, pushed the button and out came his scooter. That's right, boys and girls, after all the hullaballoo, the Peester was ditching his own party.

Didn't anyone there find this odd? Wouldn't you think that at least Miss Yvonne would say something like, "No, Pee-Wee, you can't leave now, we're just starting to have fun!" Nope, everyone smiled and waved like it was perfectly normal that Pee-Wee should need to suddenly leave during a luau in his own playhouse.

Furthermore, it leaves one wondering where the heck it is that Pee-Wee goes when he leaves the playhouse (please keep Paul Reubens jokes to self here...). To the store? What was in those coconut-shell drinks? Did he go to get more? Does he have a "real" house somewhere, and a "real" job? Is he like a stockbroker or something? Also, why would anyone spend only half an hour in his playhouse every day? Why not spend all day there! These issues need to be addressed.

I also want to know:

-How does Jambi go to the bathroom?
-When Pee-Wee leaves the playhouse, does everyone have to leave? Or do they just stay there and he trusts them?
-Do the "live" foods in the fridge and freezer need to eat?
-When Pee-Wee isn't there, what does everyone (Chairy, Magic Screen, etc.) do? Sleep?
-Why does the same door-to-door salesman always knock on Pee-Wee's door when he knows he's just going to get the door slammed in his face? Wouldn't you permanently cross that address off the list after a few times? Also, what is he selling? We never find out.
-Is the driver for the King of Cartoons a lesbian?
-Where exactly is Puppet Land? Do they have taxes there? Does Pee-Wee have to pay electric bills and such? I mean, there's Reba the Mail Lady, so we know he gets mail. What's in the mail?
-Why did anyone ever think it would be a good idea to bring the Mrs. Steve character onto the show?

There you go, Pee-Wee connoisseurs. Have at it.

Yes! See, I'm Not Crazy!

NYC mulls ban on trans fats in eateries

By DAVID B. CARUSO
Associated Press Writer

NEW YORK - Three years after the city banned smoking in restaurants, health officials are talking about prohibiting something they say is almost as bad: artificial trans fatty acids.

The city health department unveiled a proposal Tuesday that would bar cooks at any of the city's 24,600 food service establishments from using ingredients that contain the artery-clogging substance, commonly listed on food labels as partially hydrogenated oil.

Artificial trans fats are found in some shortenings, margarine and frying oils and turn up in foods from pie crusts to french fries to doughnuts.

Doctors agree that trans fats are unhealthy in nearly any amount, but a spokesman for the restaurant industry said he was stunned the city would seek to ban a legal ingredient found in millions of American kitchens.

"Labeling is one thing, but when they totally ban a product, it goes well beyond what we think is prudent and acceptable," said Chuck Hunt, executive vice president of the city's chapter of the New York State Restaurant Association.

He said the proposal could create havoc: Cooks would be forced to discard old recipes and scrutinize every ingredient in their pantry. A restaurant could face a fine if an inspector finds the wrong type of vegetable shortening on its shelves.

The proposal also would create a huge problem for national chains. Among the fast foods that would need to get an overhaul or face a ban: McDonald's french fries, Kentucky Fried Chicken and several varieties of Dunkin' Donuts.

Health Commissioner Thomas Frieden acknowledged that the ban would be a challenge for restaurants, but he said trans fats can easily be replaced with substitute oils that taste the same or better and are far less unhealthy.

"It is a dangerous and unnecessary ingredient," Frieden said. "No one will miss it when it's gone."

A similar ban on trans fats in restaurant food has been proposed in Chicago and is still under consideration, although it has been ridiculed by some as unnecessary government meddling.

The latest version of the Chicago plan would only apply to companies with annual revenues of more than $20 million, a provision aimed exclusively at fast-food giants.

A few companies have moved to eliminate trans fats on their own.

Wendy's announced in August that it had switched to a new cooking oil that contains no trans fatty acids. Crisco now sells a shortening that contains zero trans fats. Frito-Lay removed trans fats from its Doritos and Cheetos. Kraft's took trans fats out of Oreos.

McDonald's began using a trans fat-free cooking oil in Denmark after that country banned artificial trans fats in processed food, but it has yet to do so in the United States.

Walt Riker, vice president of corporate communications at McDonald's, said in a statement Tuesday that the company would review New York's proposal.

"McDonald's knows this is an important issue, which is why we continue to test in earnest to find ways to further reduce (trans fatty acid) levels," he said.

New York's health department had asked restaurants to impose a voluntary ban last year but found use of trans fats unchanged in recent surveys.

Under the New York proposal, restaurants would need to get artificial trans fats out of cooking oils, margarine and shortening by July 1, 2007, and all other foodstuffs by July 1, 2008. It would not affect grocery stores. It also would not apply to naturally occurring trans fats, which are found in some meats and dairy.

The Board of Health has yet to approve the proposal and will not do so until at least December, Frieden said.

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration began requiring food labels to list trans fats in January.

Dr. Walter Willett, chairman of the Department of Nutrition at the Harvard University School of Public Health, praised New York health officials for considering a ban, which he said could save lives.

"Artificial trans fats are very toxic, and they almost surely causes tens of thousands of premature deaths each year," he said. "The federal government should have done this long ago."

Slow Motion into Chaos

The sun goes dark and explodes in silent fury
A cold fire burns in hearts full of twisted shrapnel, bombs
The world stops its routine of rush and hurry
To watch the rays of pain flare out in a deadly dance of wrong.
We stand frozen, helpless, full of opinions but no say
In our lives that keep on turning, turning, turning
Day after day, day after day, day after day.
Like a heartbeat, banging out the rhythm of the yearning

To just stop. Like a warm, quiet meadow at twilight
Full of bees and the lazy drone of peaceful ignorance.
Lying in the grass, nodding off to dreams of a bright
Brassy future, kids, a family, a chance - just a chance!
To live in a place where we can breathe easy
Where we can worry about dinner, not the Adams kid
From next door, who went off to war and was seized
And may never come back. But we thank him for what he did.
Even though we still have no say,
Or so it seems,
In our world today
Can we still have dreams?

Can we still dream of that bright brassy future full of hope?
Can we still live free -- free from terrors and horrors and death?
Can we still tell our children we're the best and to know
That we practice what we preach? That it's not all a "mess?"

One day, perhaps, that sun will rise anew
No longer dark and fractured and burning
All will shine golden and ring true
And we'll keep on turning, turning, turning.

But will it happen soon?
Will we ever know?
Will there be flowers left to bloom?
Or will it all just explode?

More Product Endorsements

I am still loving (LOVING!) the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. In fact, I think I almost like the regular version more than the heavy-duty. I used it on the carpet the other day to remove a surface stain. Rocks!

There are other products I recommend too. Recently I received a sample of the new Fusion razor...you know, the one with five blades, and then a "trimming blade" on top of the other side. Ryan wasn't really impressed. He said that the extra blade created more "drag" on his face, and that he didn't get much better of a shave than normal. I, on the other hand, love the thing. It gives a very close leg shave that lasts a long time, and is also good on the knees. Because the blades are narrow and set close together, there's less of a chance of knicking all the normal spots (back of the ankle, knee, etc.). I do have to say the design is a little bulky and overboard, and I have yet to check out how much refill heads will cost, but it's a good razor. Thumbs up.

I would also like to profess the versatility of Fantastic kitchen cleaner. I once used it to remove some unidentifiable gunk from the tops of the cabinets in our old house that was the product of 50 years of the previous owner smoking indoors. Worked like a charm. In fact...oooooo, I wonder what would happen if you combined Fantastic with the Magic Eraser! By gum, you could probably render something invisible. Ehhhhxcellent.

And just today, I tried Aquafina's new flavored water (I had Mixed Berry). It's flavored with Splenda, so technically it's sugar-free and doesn't have the bad chemicals and whatnot that other artificial sweeteners bring. And hey, it tasted good too! No calories, only 3g of sodium...pretty much you're just drinking flavored water. I even mixed in some Benefiber (which I also recommend...tastes like nothing, and we DO all need to stay regular and have lots of fiber in our diets).

If you're in the mood for a snack, at the top of my list is Trader Joe's Tomato & Basil Hummus and a pack of their whole-wheat naan. Naan is pretty much Indian flatbread, and the whole-wheat version packs a whopping 8g of fiber (that's good) and is low-fat. The hummus tastes good and isn't disturbing like normal hummus. However, it's popular, so Trader Joe's is often out of it. In that case, the Spicy Hummus is an acceptable substitute, but a little less enjoyable. Things I also like from TJ: Pirate's Booty, the Mexican flautas in the pre-packed section, and they have a kick-ass Sesame Chicken frozen thing that you can cook up at home. I made it with some rice and Ryan loved it.

Well, that's it for now. Until I have another list of items to endorse...

Double Trouble

Want to be scared? Imagine your mom as a twin.

What would life be like if there were two of your mom? And I'm talking identical twins, down to the same voice and everything. What would that be like?

For starters, finally...someone who could talk on the phone with my mom without holding the receiver 10 yards away! In fact, why even use the phone at all...I think if they both sat in their living rooms 20 miles apart and just talked out loud, it would achieve the same effect.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my mom to itty bitty little squishy pieces, but she gets worked up when telling stories sometimes, and suddenly she SEEMS TO BE HAVING PROBLEMS controlling THE VOLUME OF HER VOICE! If Twin Mom (TM) existed, no one would even be able to be in the same room. A landing jet plane would not be able to outdo that conversation. A SONIC BOOM would not even compare. In fact, I would be deaf today. Deaf as deaf can be. Deafitty deaf deaf. Yep. Hoo. Deaffers.

Must be an Asian mom thing.

Again, I love my mommy. She takes care of me. However, if she had a twin, I would be 700 pounds. This is because my mom does not take no for an answer (although she's quite adept at GIVING no for an answer). If I say I'm not hungry, she hears that I'm hungry. If I say I'm hungry, she hears that I'm STARVING! If I say I'm starving, she hears that I am near death and HEAVENS TO MERGATROYD, PLEASE SHOVE VAST AMOUNTS OF FOOD DOWN DAUGHTER'S GULLET! NOW! SHE'S DYING! And then, again, if I'm not hungry, I'm anorexic. I must eat before I waste away or fall over from weakness. What fun this would be with TM around. I'd get a double dose of the "what does no mean?" game. And sometimes my mom plays this with things I can't say no to, like candy, ice cream, cheesecake...basically all the things little girls love and never outgrow at their very core...DAMMIT I'M TRYING TO BREAK THE ADDICTION, OK?! Ahem, sorry. But anyway, the presence of Twin Mom would ruin my girlish figure. And then, of course, when I got too fat, they'd complain that I eat too much. Hm.

Having a twin mom would also mean I'd never get to see my boyfriend. Why? Because moms never believe anything their daughters have to say about high-tech things, like how to change a light bulb or whether the overflowing toilet means it really and truly is clogged. This information can ONLY come from a man. Therefore, my boyfriend would be shuttling between their houses, opening jars and giving advice on how to reboot the computer. And, yep, I'm pretty sure he'd come home deaf. And fat.

Think about it. Two identical moms. What would the twin be called...Aunty Mom? Maunt? Mom Number Two? Or just Number Two? (That would rock. "Hello Mom, hello Number Two.") Would they both insist that their children dress alike? Would they both speak French about people in public, believing that French is some sort of "secret language" that no one besides ourselves knows or understands? Would they both wear socks that are too short?!

But again, don't be misled. I love my mom. And I love that there's just ONE of her. A twin of myself, on the other hand...now we're talkin' business.

A Conversation Between the Cats

It's been four months and the cats still don't really like each other. Well, they would, if:

1. Toulouse (kitten) didn't jump on Ever's back and bite her.
2. Toulouse didn't lull Ever into a false sense of security by giving her a "bath," then biting her.
3. Toulouse didn't eat all of Ever's food.
4. Toulouse didn't attack Ever every time she moved.
5. Toulouse didn't force Ever out of some of her favorite spots, then chase her. Then bite her.

Notice that these things all start with Toulouse. That's because Ever basically has to be a cat statue all day in order to remain unmolested. Once a week I give her a "day off" and keep Toulouse in our room with the door shut. But that's beside the point. All this is basically a set-up for:

A CONVERSATION BETWEEN THE CATS

(Toulouse enters the living room, slightly swaggering in his 6-month-old kitten sort of way -- party because he's not yet used to his gangly limbs, partly because it's his way of pimp-limping -- and spies Ever sitting in one of her fave places, on top of the surround sound speaker.)

T (in a whiny, '30s gangster type of voice, because that's what we imagine him to have): Murr, yeah, I'm bored, seeee....why don't you play with me Ever? Murr.
E (in a Roseanne type of voice, because again, that's what we imagine her to have): Haha, yeah (chewing gum) ... I don't think so. Go bite yourself.
T: Bite myself, eh? Murr. I'll show you biting, see. Get your ass down off that speaker.
E: (Hisssss!)
T: (swats at Ever)
E: (swats at Toulouse and hits him five times in a row right on the kitty coconut)
T: Ah, hit me, eh? Murr. (Sinks his fangs into Ever's side.)
E: MEOWRRWRRWRR!!! (GROWWWWWL) (HISSSSS) (SWATSWATSWATSWAT)
T: (Jumps on top of Ever)
E: (Jumps down onto floor) MEOWRWRWRWR! (HISSSS) (Scrambles down hallway)
T: Come back here, see! (Runs after her) I'm not done with you! Murr!
E: (Runs back down hallway and corners herself behind TV stand)
Humans: Stop it! Both of you! Ever, get out of there! Toulouse, bad kitty! (T is put on time-out in bedroom)
E (mental voice): Haha, yeah (chewing gum) ... that'll serve the little bastard. No one messes with SUPEREVER! (note: she has dillusions of grandeur...can you blame her? She has to do SOMETHING while she stays in the same spot all day.) SuperEver...away! (and she lapses into a dream about saving burning kibble from a building and being given heaps of treats and awards...maybe even a key to the city)
T (also mental voice, as he's sequestered in the room): Murr...what just happened, see? Ooo, a toy mouse! (He has ADD. And no short-term memory, because in a few minutes he'll come back out and try the same thing all over again.) I'll make that Ever give me her lunch money yet! Murr!!

This concludes today's episode of A CONVERSATION BETWEEN THE CATS. This is a realistic account of what our pets would say to each other if they had human voices. Although I'm pretty sure Ever would use a lot more profanity, and perhaps Toulouse would use "duh" a little bit more. Hey, I never said cat bullies are smart. After all, he knocks himself out on the coffee table at least once a week. Dork. ;0)

Movie Monday 1

So I decided that on Mondays I will bring you some little nugget of a video from YouTube (gotta support local business...YouTube's based in San Mateo).

Anyway, we've all heard of the explosive results of combining Mentos and Diet Coke, right? (If not, watch this Eepybird video.) Also, read this Zap2It article.

That said, now watch this. You know you've been wondering what would happen.

Open Mic 3

It's time for another open mic! OK, folks, what'll it be?

Pros and Cons of the Journalistic Life

Today I thought I'd list some pros and cons of my job, so you, dear reader, can get a feel for what it's like. How exciting! You can thank me later.

Pro: I get to find out stuff before anybody else.
Con: Due to technological advances, I find that stuff out about 2 seconds before anybody else. Sometimes 2 seconds AFTER.

Pro: I get to throw around the snazzy titles of "journalist" and "city editor" at social functions.
Con: I automatically get labeled as the "liberal media" and everyone bashes me for the American press not covering more of yada-yada and less of yada-yawn. I do not represent all of the press. But thanks for flattering me.

Pro: Sometimes I get access to documents, records, etc. that you wouldn't normally get access to because tada! I'm with the media!
Con: It's a total and complete pain in the ass to access said items.

Pro: I get to see photos that the average Joe doesn't get to see. Or would even want to see.
Con: Man, those images stay in your head forever. Ughhhhh. (Trying to purge crime-scene photos from memory...trying to purge crime-scene photos from memory...)

Pro: I know how to research things and where to find helpful information.
Con: Everyone and their mother calls me to find them things when they can't.

Pro: I get to talk to interesting people and find out their stories.
Con: Sometimes these people aren't coherent. Or they're dead. Well, close to it.

Pro: I get to choose some of the stories and where they go in the paper.
Con: Designers f*** it up.

Pro: I get to come up with catchy headlines and cool ideas.
Con: Designers f*** it up.

Pro: I work with cool people (most of the time).
Con: Those damn higher-paying jobs entice them away. And then the company decides not to fill their position.

Pro: I'm surrounded by knowledge and people who have been in the industry for decades, so I get to learn things I want to know.
Con: They either have egos, tempers, are whiny, are uncooperative, are assholes, or have become burnt out and inept. A veritable cornucopia of pleasantry!

Pro: I get paid to sit at a computer and read stories.
Con: Don't get paid very much....

Pro: I've gotten to where I am at a young age.
Con: Now what?

Pro: I got to write a blog on company time tonight.
Con: Still 1.13 hours to go. Great. (Update: I was finally able to get the company to put me back on 10:30-7:30 shifts, but the night person at our sister paper who covers us at night is on vacation this week, so I have to work tonight. Blah. Con! Con, I tell you!)

Inquiring Minds...

This isn't a secret or anything, I just stumbled upon it thanks to my tailored gmail links (yes, the same thing that exposes me to the wonder of Spam recipes).

Anyway, it's called Ask Yahoo!. They answer the questions that everyone's always wondered, such as why people say "a pair of pants" when there's only one, or who invented sliced bread.

As a sampler, I've culled together some of my favorites.

Dear Yahoo!:

What's the point of making pasta in different shapes if it's all made from the same stuff?

Arielle
Miami, Florida

Dear Arielle:

The variety of pastas is dizzying -- you'll get no argument from us. And, yes, for those unschooled in the differences between vermicelli and linguine, the choices can be overwhelming. However, learning what to ingest with what is definitely worth your while, and can have a positive effect on your palate.

As we learned from the National Pasta Association (really), pasta shapes tend to be classified by the type of sauce they best complement. Light sauces taste best with thin noodles like angel hair. Heavier sauces go with thicker pasta shapes like fettuccine. And meaty or chunky sauces go best with pastas that can "hold" them, like penne rigate or conchiglie.

So, the wide variety of sauces are at least partially to blame for the plethora of pasta shapes. However, different kinds of flour can also affect how pasta tastes. Semolina flour, for instance, is often used for flat pastas, and potato flour is a key ingredient in gnocchi, a sort of pasta dumpling.

While we try our best to avoid clichés, variety really is the spice of life. With so many pastas to choose from, why embarrass yourself by ordering "whatever tastes most like spaghetti"? Next time, try a big plate of strozzapretti and tell the waiter to keep it comin'.

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Dear Yahoo!:

What's the story behind R.E.M.'s song "What's the Frequency, Kenneth"?

Dana
Nashua, New Hampshire

Dear Dana:
CBS News anchor Dan Rather, renowned for his unusual expressions and sayings, has led a colorful life. However, one bizarre event really takes the cake.

One night in October 1986, Rather was walking down a Manhattan street when he was punched from behind and thrown to the ground. His assailant kicked and beat him while repeating, "Kenneth, what is the frequency?"

No one could explain the event, and the rumors flew fast and wide. Some speculated the assailant was a KGB agent, while others claimed the attack was the work of a jealous husband. Rather himself couldn't shed any light on the subject. His explanation at the time?

I got mugged. Who understands these things? I didn't and I don't now. I didn't make a lot of it at the time and I don't now. I wish I knew who did it and why, but I have no idea.

Apparently the strange event moved R.E.M. singer Michael Stipe, who said of the incident:

It remains the premier unsolved American surrealist act of the 20th century. It's a misunderstanding that was scarily random, media hyped and just plain bizarre.

The attack inspired the 1994 R.E.M. hit "What's the Frequency, Kenneth." Being a good sport, Dan Rather even accompanied the band when they performed the song on a Late Show with David Letterman appearance.

In 1997, based on a tip from a psychiatrist, Rather's attacker was identified as William Tager. According to the psychiatrist, Tager, who was currently serving time for killing an NBC stagehand, blamed news media for beaming signals into his head, and thought if he could just find out the correct frequency, he could block those signals that were constantly assailing him. Hence the enigmatic inquiry.

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Dear Yahoo!:

What is the Pope's salary?

Josh
El Paso, Texas

Dear Josh:

A search on "Pope salary" lead us to a thread from a message board, where someone had posed just that question. According to one reply, the Pope's compensation consists of, "a place to stay and something to eat. I'm sure he does not receive a salary as you or I would think of a paycheck."

We searched for confirmation and uncovered another site, belief.net. There we found another answer to your question: "The Pope does not receive any pay, nor does he have a bank account."

Try and try as we might, we could find no other mention of compensation for the Pope. We did learn that he is an elected official who, according to the New Advent Catholic Encyclopedia, is "the Bishop of Rome, who, in virtue of his position as successor of St. Peter, is the chief pastor of the whole Church, the Vicar of Christ upon earth."

While the Pope may not draw a formal salary, we are fairly certain the benefits and honor of such a position make up for the lack of paydays. And he does get to live in the Vatican Palace.

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You can access all this stuff yourself at ask.yahoo.com. Enjoy!

Chewing the Fat

I have a dream. I have a dream that someday, America will not be a big fat pig! ("Did he just say...big fat pig?" "Yes, sire." "Ohhh." Little gratuitous "History of the World" reference there.)

I also have dreams involving M.C. Esher staircases and getting lost in malls, but that's beside the point.

Let's face it, Americans are becoming more obese by the minute. Just breathing packs on the pounds, probably because our smoggy air is full of trans fat. (I'm speculating, but tell me that isn't a damn plausible speculation!) I saw a commercial the other night for Friday's advertising its newest brainchild, fried macaroni and cheese! In a fit of abhorrence, I wondered what we can do to fix our collective tubbiness. How can we remedy this epidemic of XXXL waistbands and unnecessary shortness of breath?

I have a few proposals.

1. Reduce the portion size at restaurants. I know what you're thinking: But who will pay the same money for a smaller dish of grub? Well, either lower the prices or add more "good stuff" to the plates. By good stuff, I mean good for you. More fruits and veggies. Offer a side salad instead of fries. Serve up whole wheat or whole-grain bread instead of white. Don't use a ton of cream in the sauces. Expand the seafood menu. We live in the Bay Area, for criminy's sake! Don't tell me we can't offer more grilled and broiled fish. That is, like, so good for you. Yeah.

2. Absolutely no all-you-can-eat buffets, unless it's a salad bar like Sweet Tomatoes or Fresh Choice. Too often, these all-you-can-eat places involve too many fried and processed things. True, I'm guilty of eating such things myself -- and enjoying them -- but even I have my limits (shocking, I know). Sadly, other people don't. And so, in a sort of "protect people from themselves" move, we need to tighten the belt on the food industry, so to speak.

3. Ban fast food restaurants. Yes, dammit, you heard me. The darn things need to go. I mean, kudos to McDonald's for capitalizing on the health craze, but you'll pardon me if I say there shouldn't be such a thing as a "health craze." It should be all the time, the norm. A "craze" indicates a short-term fad. Health should not be a fad. Yes, I am a former fat kid who still isn't exactly in shape (although not for lack of trying), and I have a passion for (nearly an obsession with) food. However. Once you're tipping the scales at 300 pounds, it's time to step back and assess. Are you willing to die young in exchange for the enjoyment of NOW? Take some steps. We need to get rid of fast food. If we are serious about making America healthier, it's gonna take some sacrifices. No more fried fare. The day we hit fried mac 'n' cheese is the day we've hit rock-bottom. What's next? "Try our new fried fat! That's right, we've run out of things to fry, so in a fit of desperation, we've tossed lard straight into the boiling oil. Mmm!" This reminds me of a pork rind product called Mr. Porky's that my boyfriend tried in England. He said when he bit into it, there was pure, runny pig fat on the inside. Puke. So, obviously we know that we can't trust Americans to impose moderation on themselves on an individual level. Therefore, goodbye Mickey D's, Burger King, Wendy's, etc. etc. etc. If you want to open a fast-food place, start looking at Subway as a model. At least it offers healthier things than a one-pound fried side of cow smothered in "cheez" and topped with onion rings.

4. If we have the ability to make low- and nonfat foods, why aren't we phasing out some of the regular stuff? I know some people complain that low- and nonfat stuff doesn't taste as good, but it's totally workable. Totally manageable. I'm not saying to get rid of ALL regular foods. I'm merely suggesting that we should offer lower-fat cookies, cereals, cheese, dairy products, etc., instead of their fat-laden counterparts. Hey, I said we need to make sacrifices. It's a start.

5. Of course, exercise more. Part of the problem is that personal training is so damn expensive. If we want people to exercise, they need to know what to do and how to do it. A lot of people, including me, often feel overwhelmed at the gym and aren't even sure what we're doing is the right thing for our body type, metabolism, etc. We need to get more personal trainers in the gyms and lower their prices. It won't be a loss to the gyms, because I believe that if trainers were more accessible and cheaper, more people would join. Therefore, an increase in memberships would pull in more money. Also, there should be trainers and group exercise classes for kids at the gyms. There isn't enough stuff for children at health clubs. If there were fun classes in which other kids their age could participate, that might inspire them to go. I would imagine that dozens of boys would sign up for kickboxing. It's "cool" and also a great cardio workout. And I bet tons of girls would go to hip-hop dance classes, which is great for toning and coordination.

Of course, I am but only one woman, and these are only the ideas of one person who can do little to effect such massive change on her own.

Perhaps I should start my own gym. :0)

Are Y'all Ready For Dis?

It's pretty much a given that at any point in time, there are at least 3.5 good ideas rolling around in my head.

That said, I was walking home from work one day when I started to think about how I like classical music...and how seemingly no one else my age (except my sister) does.

"How could we get kids today to like classical music?" I thought.

And that's when it hit me. Combine it with hip-hop!

Yes, hip-hop has universal appeal! And as demonstrated by my cell phone ring, you can successfully set a Mozart piece to a techno beat. Thus, it is born. My new genre: clip-hop. Or class-hop. I haven't decided yet. But that's beside the point. What I'm trying to say here is that Special K is bringin' you the beats of Old Munich. I'm takin' you to West Side Vienna and back. I'm breakin' it down straight Baroque style. I'm gonna get all harpsichord on yo' ass! Are you ready?!

My hip-class movement will feature new buzz words, such as "forte."
Ex.: "How was the wine and cheese party?"
"It was killer forte, no joke!"

And "adagio."
Ex.: "Dude, what's taking you so long?"
"Adagio, my brotha, you want this done right, or you want it done fast?"

I also plan to have an offshoot of the movement in the Bay Area, where classical will combine with hyphy to result in a massive HYPHICAL revolution. My clothing line, Treblemakers Inc., will crank out "I Got Your Bach" T-shirts and gold-plated piano keys for your teeth. We'll even soup up cellos to mount in the trunk of your Escalades, for that bumpin' symphonicalistical sound while you cruise the strip.

I'll take over the airwaves with my new clip-hop reality shows, "Haydn Seek" and "Handel It." Both will be produced by Simon Cowell, in conjunction with the newest American craze, "Classical Idol." Contestants will be required to hum classical songs while performing interpretive hip-hop dance moves. Bonus points if they can play orchestral instruments while singing and dancing. But please, no oboe. Oboe is gay.

Ladies and gentlemen, you have just witnessed a life-changing creation in process. Clap-hop. It's where it's at. Now go out and propagate. Andante, yo. Andante.

Short observation

I saw a commercial for Cheerios the other day that said Cheerios can help seriously lower cholesterol!

And then I thought, "Yeah, but aren't you supposed to eat Cheerios with MILK?"

Yes, milk does not lower cholesterol.

I suppose you can eat them with soy milk, but a person with high cholesterol has that problem for a reason. It's NOT from eating things with soy in them.

How about eating Cheerios plain? Why doesn't the doctor just say, "Sir, your cholesterol level is two seconds from DEATH. To remedy the problem, please chew on these round pieces of cardboard." I would rather die of heart failure than boredom.

Honey Nut Cheerios? No no no. No frills for Mr./Mrs. Clogged Arteries. You have to EARN that honey nut flavor. Let's start with eating pieces of cardboard with soy milk.

Or, how about just putting some fruits and vegetables in your diet?! Sheesh. Peddling boring ol' Cheerios to a cholesterol case ain't gonna do it. Dress it up a little! You can at least make a very tasty bowl of mashed squash. Who doesn't like mashed squash??

Mmmm. Mashed squash. Is that an oxymoron?

Gimme a Hand

So I have decided to try to become ambidextrous. No reason. I just think it'd be cool.

Today I practiced writing with my left hand, and even completed all my crosswords that way. It's hard, to say the least. The writing is legible, but looks like some of the handwritten letters we get from the older-than-dirt sector of our readership at work. Depending on how I hold the pen, the most difficult letters for me are: capital N, capital and lowercase S and W, lowercase d and lowercase r. (All the rounded letters are hard, but S is the devil!) The easiest letters: pretty much anything straight (such as I, L, T, X, H, F, etc.) and lowercase e, strangely enough.

Don't even talk about cursive. I was able to achieve printing "now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their people," but it took about 5 minutes.

Technically, I already know how to perform some ambidextrous tasks. Typing, for one. Playing the piano and guitar, as well. I discovered over the weekend that I had an easier time paddling with my left hand than my right (and, actually, the right-handed paddling is what ended up making my ribs sore). I can also punch with my left hand, and brush my hair (although it's instinctive to use my right most of the time).

Opposite-hand skills just take some practice. If I do it enough, I bet I can make my left-hand writing really legible. I do find it odd, though, that I favor holding the pen between my thumb and ring finger, not the middle finger like most people. I don't know why this is. I've been that way since I learned to write. I can write using my thumb and middle finger, but it feels weird and uncomfortable to me. So, it's odd that when I picked up the pen with my left hand today, I immediately used my thumb and ring finger. There must be some sort of significance to this. I just have no idea what it is. And it's Friday and almost time to go home, and I just don't have the proclivity to look it up.

One thing I reallllllly suck at is throwing with my left hand. It's like my arm suddenly becomes some atrophied part of my body that no motor skill recognizes. What would be a nice spiral throw with my right hand becomes an awkward lob with my left that just goes straight into the ground. I also look like a complete retard doing it, because my body isn't used to positioning itself for a left-handed throw. Also, I can't ever imagine being able to use chopsticks with my left. I'll just make a huge mess.

On an unrelated note, I edited the birth announcements today and there was a guy whose last name is Lady. That is the sweetest last name EVAR. What if he was in the Navy? "Hey! Lady! Get over here! Drop and gimme 20, Lady!" Or on shore leave: "Hey Lady, stop messing around with that chick!"

Ha. And I would love to be his wife. That would make me Mrs. Lady. Sweeeeet.

Well, a left-handed salute to you at the beginning of this Labor Day weekend. Ennnjoy.