Chewing the Fat

I have a dream. I have a dream that someday, America will not be a big fat pig! ("Did he just say...big fat pig?" "Yes, sire." "Ohhh." Little gratuitous "History of the World" reference there.)

I also have dreams involving M.C. Esher staircases and getting lost in malls, but that's beside the point.

Let's face it, Americans are becoming more obese by the minute. Just breathing packs on the pounds, probably because our smoggy air is full of trans fat. (I'm speculating, but tell me that isn't a damn plausible speculation!) I saw a commercial the other night for Friday's advertising its newest brainchild, fried macaroni and cheese! In a fit of abhorrence, I wondered what we can do to fix our collective tubbiness. How can we remedy this epidemic of XXXL waistbands and unnecessary shortness of breath?

I have a few proposals.

1. Reduce the portion size at restaurants. I know what you're thinking: But who will pay the same money for a smaller dish of grub? Well, either lower the prices or add more "good stuff" to the plates. By good stuff, I mean good for you. More fruits and veggies. Offer a side salad instead of fries. Serve up whole wheat or whole-grain bread instead of white. Don't use a ton of cream in the sauces. Expand the seafood menu. We live in the Bay Area, for criminy's sake! Don't tell me we can't offer more grilled and broiled fish. That is, like, so good for you. Yeah.

2. Absolutely no all-you-can-eat buffets, unless it's a salad bar like Sweet Tomatoes or Fresh Choice. Too often, these all-you-can-eat places involve too many fried and processed things. True, I'm guilty of eating such things myself -- and enjoying them -- but even I have my limits (shocking, I know). Sadly, other people don't. And so, in a sort of "protect people from themselves" move, we need to tighten the belt on the food industry, so to speak.

3. Ban fast food restaurants. Yes, dammit, you heard me. The darn things need to go. I mean, kudos to McDonald's for capitalizing on the health craze, but you'll pardon me if I say there shouldn't be such a thing as a "health craze." It should be all the time, the norm. A "craze" indicates a short-term fad. Health should not be a fad. Yes, I am a former fat kid who still isn't exactly in shape (although not for lack of trying), and I have a passion for (nearly an obsession with) food. However. Once you're tipping the scales at 300 pounds, it's time to step back and assess. Are you willing to die young in exchange for the enjoyment of NOW? Take some steps. We need to get rid of fast food. If we are serious about making America healthier, it's gonna take some sacrifices. No more fried fare. The day we hit fried mac 'n' cheese is the day we've hit rock-bottom. What's next? "Try our new fried fat! That's right, we've run out of things to fry, so in a fit of desperation, we've tossed lard straight into the boiling oil. Mmm!" This reminds me of a pork rind product called Mr. Porky's that my boyfriend tried in England. He said when he bit into it, there was pure, runny pig fat on the inside. Puke. So, obviously we know that we can't trust Americans to impose moderation on themselves on an individual level. Therefore, goodbye Mickey D's, Burger King, Wendy's, etc. etc. etc. If you want to open a fast-food place, start looking at Subway as a model. At least it offers healthier things than a one-pound fried side of cow smothered in "cheez" and topped with onion rings.

4. If we have the ability to make low- and nonfat foods, why aren't we phasing out some of the regular stuff? I know some people complain that low- and nonfat stuff doesn't taste as good, but it's totally workable. Totally manageable. I'm not saying to get rid of ALL regular foods. I'm merely suggesting that we should offer lower-fat cookies, cereals, cheese, dairy products, etc., instead of their fat-laden counterparts. Hey, I said we need to make sacrifices. It's a start.

5. Of course, exercise more. Part of the problem is that personal training is so damn expensive. If we want people to exercise, they need to know what to do and how to do it. A lot of people, including me, often feel overwhelmed at the gym and aren't even sure what we're doing is the right thing for our body type, metabolism, etc. We need to get more personal trainers in the gyms and lower their prices. It won't be a loss to the gyms, because I believe that if trainers were more accessible and cheaper, more people would join. Therefore, an increase in memberships would pull in more money. Also, there should be trainers and group exercise classes for kids at the gyms. There isn't enough stuff for children at health clubs. If there were fun classes in which other kids their age could participate, that might inspire them to go. I would imagine that dozens of boys would sign up for kickboxing. It's "cool" and also a great cardio workout. And I bet tons of girls would go to hip-hop dance classes, which is great for toning and coordination.

Of course, I am but only one woman, and these are only the ideas of one person who can do little to effect such massive change on her own.

Perhaps I should start my own gym. :0)