Double Trouble

Want to be scared? Imagine your mom as a twin.

What would life be like if there were two of your mom? And I'm talking identical twins, down to the same voice and everything. What would that be like?

For starters, finally...someone who could talk on the phone with my mom without holding the receiver 10 yards away! In fact, why even use the phone at all...I think if they both sat in their living rooms 20 miles apart and just talked out loud, it would achieve the same effect.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my mom to itty bitty little squishy pieces, but she gets worked up when telling stories sometimes, and suddenly she SEEMS TO BE HAVING PROBLEMS controlling THE VOLUME OF HER VOICE! If Twin Mom (TM) existed, no one would even be able to be in the same room. A landing jet plane would not be able to outdo that conversation. A SONIC BOOM would not even compare. In fact, I would be deaf today. Deaf as deaf can be. Deafitty deaf deaf. Yep. Hoo. Deaffers.

Must be an Asian mom thing.

Again, I love my mommy. She takes care of me. However, if she had a twin, I would be 700 pounds. This is because my mom does not take no for an answer (although she's quite adept at GIVING no for an answer). If I say I'm not hungry, she hears that I'm hungry. If I say I'm hungry, she hears that I'm STARVING! If I say I'm starving, she hears that I am near death and HEAVENS TO MERGATROYD, PLEASE SHOVE VAST AMOUNTS OF FOOD DOWN DAUGHTER'S GULLET! NOW! SHE'S DYING! And then, again, if I'm not hungry, I'm anorexic. I must eat before I waste away or fall over from weakness. What fun this would be with TM around. I'd get a double dose of the "what does no mean?" game. And sometimes my mom plays this with things I can't say no to, like candy, ice cream, cheesecake...basically all the things little girls love and never outgrow at their very core...DAMMIT I'M TRYING TO BREAK THE ADDICTION, OK?! Ahem, sorry. But anyway, the presence of Twin Mom would ruin my girlish figure. And then, of course, when I got too fat, they'd complain that I eat too much. Hm.

Having a twin mom would also mean I'd never get to see my boyfriend. Why? Because moms never believe anything their daughters have to say about high-tech things, like how to change a light bulb or whether the overflowing toilet means it really and truly is clogged. This information can ONLY come from a man. Therefore, my boyfriend would be shuttling between their houses, opening jars and giving advice on how to reboot the computer. And, yep, I'm pretty sure he'd come home deaf. And fat.

Think about it. Two identical moms. What would the twin be called...Aunty Mom? Maunt? Mom Number Two? Or just Number Two? (That would rock. "Hello Mom, hello Number Two.") Would they both insist that their children dress alike? Would they both speak French about people in public, believing that French is some sort of "secret language" that no one besides ourselves knows or understands? Would they both wear socks that are too short?!

But again, don't be misled. I love my mom. And I love that there's just ONE of her. A twin of myself, on the other hand...now we're talkin' business.