A Conversation Between the Cats

It's been four months and the cats still don't really like each other. Well, they would, if:

1. Toulouse (kitten) didn't jump on Ever's back and bite her.
2. Toulouse didn't lull Ever into a false sense of security by giving her a "bath," then biting her.
3. Toulouse didn't eat all of Ever's food.
4. Toulouse didn't attack Ever every time she moved.
5. Toulouse didn't force Ever out of some of her favorite spots, then chase her. Then bite her.

Notice that these things all start with Toulouse. That's because Ever basically has to be a cat statue all day in order to remain unmolested. Once a week I give her a "day off" and keep Toulouse in our room with the door shut. But that's beside the point. All this is basically a set-up for:

A CONVERSATION BETWEEN THE CATS

(Toulouse enters the living room, slightly swaggering in his 6-month-old kitten sort of way -- party because he's not yet used to his gangly limbs, partly because it's his way of pimp-limping -- and spies Ever sitting in one of her fave places, on top of the surround sound speaker.)

T (in a whiny, '30s gangster type of voice, because that's what we imagine him to have): Murr, yeah, I'm bored, seeee....why don't you play with me Ever? Murr.
E (in a Roseanne type of voice, because again, that's what we imagine her to have): Haha, yeah (chewing gum) ... I don't think so. Go bite yourself.
T: Bite myself, eh? Murr. I'll show you biting, see. Get your ass down off that speaker.
E: (Hisssss!)
T: (swats at Ever)
E: (swats at Toulouse and hits him five times in a row right on the kitty coconut)
T: Ah, hit me, eh? Murr. (Sinks his fangs into Ever's side.)
E: MEOWRRWRRWRR!!! (GROWWWWWL) (HISSSSS) (SWATSWATSWATSWAT)
T: (Jumps on top of Ever)
E: (Jumps down onto floor) MEOWRWRWRWR! (HISSSS) (Scrambles down hallway)
T: Come back here, see! (Runs after her) I'm not done with you! Murr!
E: (Runs back down hallway and corners herself behind TV stand)
Humans: Stop it! Both of you! Ever, get out of there! Toulouse, bad kitty! (T is put on time-out in bedroom)
E (mental voice): Haha, yeah (chewing gum) ... that'll serve the little bastard. No one messes with SUPEREVER! (note: she has dillusions of grandeur...can you blame her? She has to do SOMETHING while she stays in the same spot all day.) SuperEver...away! (and she lapses into a dream about saving burning kibble from a building and being given heaps of treats and awards...maybe even a key to the city)
T (also mental voice, as he's sequestered in the room): Murr...what just happened, see? Ooo, a toy mouse! (He has ADD. And no short-term memory, because in a few minutes he'll come back out and try the same thing all over again.) I'll make that Ever give me her lunch money yet! Murr!!

This concludes today's episode of A CONVERSATION BETWEEN THE CATS. This is a realistic account of what our pets would say to each other if they had human voices. Although I'm pretty sure Ever would use a lot more profanity, and perhaps Toulouse would use "duh" a little bit more. Hey, I never said cat bullies are smart. After all, he knocks himself out on the coffee table at least once a week. Dork. ;0)