Thanks For Calling

Originally posted Sept. 15, 2005

I work at a newspaper, so here's some news for you:

When you call the newspaper, you are not, I repeat NOT, calling a therapist.

You're not calling someone who wants to hear you bitch and moan about something I have no control over. (i.e. no, I can't stop throwing your newspaper in the tree. Why? I do not deliver your newspaper. You want the Circulation department. Therefore, CALL THE NUMBER LISTED FOR THE CIRCULATION DEPARTMENT.)

You're not calling someone who has known you for years and knows what the hell you're talking about. Don't start the conversation mid-thought...I'm not inside your head. (Whew!)

You're not calling someone who wants to listen as you argue with your father in another language because he picked up the phone and you're in the middle of a call.

You're not calling someone who is as ignorant as you, and who you hope will sympathize with your views. Newsflash: I won't. I have a degree in journalism, not idiocy. I'm not racist, sexist, homophobic, politically aligned (at work), or any other thing you want me to be so that you'll feel OK calling and spewing out a bunch of crap that everyone's just going to roll their eyes at when I get off the phone.

You're not calling someone who cares about some cool thing you just bought at a garage sale. Operative word: NEWSpaper. Garage sale item = not interesting. Wizard of Oz plate: NOT interesting. Not. In-ter-est-ing.

You're not calling someone who is going to like hearing from you for the 5 millionth time today. I WILL remember that you hung up on me. I WON'T be nice and kiss your ass. I WILL be annoyed that you have nothing better to do than call me 5 million times a day to complain about some AP story that none of us wrote. And I WILL hang up on you too.

You're not calling someone who is going to respond kindly to threats. You're mad. OK, hmm, why is that. Oh, because we reported the truth about you, and now you look like an ass in public. Guess what? You shouldn't have done that bad thing we reported on. And guess what else? The truth really does hurt. Think about that the next time you decide to defraud old people, or touch a child inappropriately, or invade someone's home, etc. Did you think no one was going to find out? Wow, then you're dumb and immoral. The ol' 1-2 punch! Props to your parents for that sweet combo.

You're not calling someone who is going to back down to the "authority" of a public official. As a news agency, we are within our rights to report the goings-on of public officials. If it chafes you the wrong way, you may be too thin-skinned to be in office. You want to meet? Fine...let's do it. Because we'll shut you down in person even better than we do on the phone. Do you really want to invite that meeting? How about just letting us do our jobs...sounds like a reasonable solution, no?

You are not, not, NOT calling someone who wants to hear your beefs about the "gay story" running above the "military story," or about how an ad was all in Spanish and you think every ad should be in English, or about how things are being handled in San Diego or Washington or Los Angeles or New York or Podunk, Idaho. We are not those places. And you may be 90,000 years old and have a firm stance on gays and English, but why call about it? I suggest writing a letter to the editor. Yeeeeess (I'm doing the Mr. Burns fingers right now)...a nice letter to the editor that will let people (i.e. other readers) see and hear your views in your own crotchety words. Ehhhhhxcellent.

And finally, you're not calling someone who is a switchboard. The first time you call and I transfer you, OK, fine...you get a freebie. But two, three, four more times in the same day...c'mon dude, use the number I gave you. I know I have an easy-to-remember extension, but stop being a lazy pest. You want to file an obit? Call Obits. You want to cancel (or renew, hold, start up, etc.) your subscription? Call Circulation. You want to file an ad? Call Classifieds! This is the NEWS department. Thanks.

Oh yeah...reasons TO call me:

-You have a story idea

-You have a legitimate complaint about a story, such as there is an error in it or it needs clarifying

-You want to know how to get involved with the reader panel, or be a source for a story

-You have a complaint about a reporter or photographer

-Part of a story is missing

-Headline error

-Kudos

-You want to talk about something that actually pertains to our coverage area

-You are completely crazy and have a funny story to tell me. I'll probably assign it out as a real story. This has happened.

Moral of the story: At the end of the day, please be able to look in the mirror and know that you didn't call someplace and make an ass of yourself. Make that a DAILY goal. It's not that I don't want to take calls...it's that I'd rather spend my time taking ones that are worthwhile.

Tara commented: also, don't call and ask us why our website has pop-ups and freezes your computer. oh, and don't call to ask how to use the website in the first place.

Kim commented: I also totally forgot: Before you call, get your "bitchy tone" in check. For some reason, whenever people decide to call the paper, they're immediately crabby when I pick up my line. Here's a tip: Nothing's going to get done if you've got a scorpion in your ass and you're out for blood. In fact, your tone is going to make me want to help you even less. So try being human. You'll find it goes a long way.