A Conversation With Myself

Originally posted Oct. 11, 2005

Last night I went to my usual Kapow! class at the gym (combo of kickboxing, martial arts and self defense), and afterwards I decided to try the CardioFunk class I've been wondering about. Heck, I need to shed the five pounds I picked up in Mexico, so why not?

Unfortunately, I was never trained in hip-hop or jazz dance. I took ballet for 8 years when I was younger, so as usual, there's yet another art form I was classically trained in. No jazz piano, but classical piano. No funk dance, but classical dance. Shoot...I'm living in the wrong country. I should be in Swiss finishing school or something.

Anyway, I made it through about 20 minutes of this class before I had to give up and leave. Everything was too choreographed and the steps didn't seem to make physical sense. I left disappointed because the class had looked so fun on previous weeks when I left Kapow!; I even saw kids doing it! It sucked that it turned out not to be so fun after all....that I wasn't good at it.

Walking into the locker room, I started to muse on expectations -- my expectations. The internal conversation went like this.

Why are my expectations so high?

I guess because I want to believe the best about everything. And because I like the feeling of being excited about something, or being able to accomplish a goal. I've always had high expectations, I think. I don't know why, but I've always been that way.

So knowing that, why do you get so disappointed when those expectations aren't met?

Well, I think because in a way, I feel I deserve to have high expectations, and to have the simplest of them met. Such as the "law of reciprocation." If I do something nice for someone, it's only fair that they shouldn't dump all over me. Kinda that "treat others the way you want to be treated" thing. But for some reason, that's a really difficult thing for people to do. Lots of people are willing to just take, take, take, and not give at all. So that's why I get disappointed...because in my mind, I had high expectations that they'd be a thoughtful kind of person. But too many people focus on the way they feel, and not on how they should be making others feel. Same goes for expectations of other things, like activities ... if it gets hyped up, or if I hype it up for myself, and then it ends up sucking or I can't accomplish what's required, it's hard to accept. Probably because I want to believe I could be good at anything if I really tried...and then I realize that sometimes, I don't try my hardest. But mostly it goes for people. I just have really high expectations for people, and they often don't meet them.

Then why don't you just lower your expectations?

Because lowering my standards isn't a practice I'm familiar with. I know it sounds that easy: just expect less of or from that person, and know that what you see is what you get. But I can't. I can't do it! I don't believe I should have to settle for less when there is so much opportunity out there for my expectations to be met as they are. For example, I was in a relationship that definitely fell below the mark that I had. I wanted so much more out of it, and that person wasn't the right one to give it. So I went out there and found someone who does fit with me, who is able to put just as much into a relationship as I do. By not settling, by not lowering my standards, I found what I want. Someone who makes me happy. And that's why no one should settle for less than what they want or deserve.

So why are you bummed about not finishing the class?

Because it looked fun and I thought I could do it. But now I realize there are some things I'm just not going to be good at, or can't do. And that's OK, because it makes me appreciate what hard work it is for other people who have gotten good at it. I'm not really bummed...just frustrated that it was "too hard." Instead, I should focus on getting better at the things I do know how to do.

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And that gave way to another tangential thought process on doing more research on Greek mythology, learning astronomy, reading more nonfiction and historical fiction (helps me understand better because it holds my attention), etc.

Ahem, yes, so this was a random entry (as if I'm not guilty of being random, eh?). But...that's me...just your typical overthinker. :0)

Just got done chatting with our photographer who was in the Gulf region for two weeks covering the hurricanes. Perhaps I'll blog a little about that tomorrow...it's always fascinating hearing about assignments that involve disasters. She needs to write a book!