What's the Poop?

Originally posted Sept. 13, 2005

OK, ladies, we need to talk. No, I mean it. Put the magazine down. That's a good girl. Now pay attention.

What is the deal with peeing on the toilet seat? I mean seriously, think about this. You sit down on the toilet to pee. If you don't sit on the seat itself, you use a seat cover (a practice I recommend). Either way, your butt is making contact with the toilet seat. Where does the stray pee come into play??

Yes, I agree there may be situations in which you have to employ the "squat and hover" maneuver. Believe me, I've been there too. But do you mean to tell me that when you're done, you don't have the courtesy (or sense) enough to wipe your own urine off the seat? It's people like you who make the seat dirty enough to need the "squat and hover" in the first place!

You don't like wiping up pee, you say. Well, I'd prefer you wipe up your own than having to irritatedly do it myself. I don't know where you've been...what you've eaten...what's in that pee. You could have had asparagus for lunch, for crying out loud! We all know how nasty asparagus pee is. And you want to just blow it off -- do the ol' "oh, it's a public bathroom, people expect it to be dirty and EW! no, I'm not wiping up that mess" -- and make someone like me traipse innocently on into the stall, only to find two floaters and a seat full of melted yellow snowcone?

Rude. You women disgust me.

You want to pee standing up? Become men. Personally, I don't like having to squat and hover, enduring shaking thigh muscles while I watch my own pee inevitably get onto the seat, all while trying to make sure some piece of my clothing doesn't swipe across or fall into anything that, as clothing, it was never destined to have contact with in the first place. That's just gross. But you know what? I still always wipe up my own mess...in those instances that I actually make one. What is so hard about doing something so simple??

The worst is when you think you've wiped up all of someone's remnants, only to carefully and lovingly put that seat cover down, plop your full bladder onto it and feel...seepage. That's right...someone else's waste moistening your leg.

Ew, ew, and double ew. Ladies, you are sick! Please, for the love of all things good and holy, just run a square or two over the seat when you're done. Pay it forward! Don't make me remove your arms and beat you with them. Not only is that painful, but extremely embarrassing.

P.S. Stop flushing feminine products. It doesn't work.