Swedish Chef: "Herdy Herdy Herdy"

Originally posted April 25, 2006

In other words, this is a blog about random stuff. Otherwise I probably wouldn't be featuring the Swedish chef from the Muppets in my subject line.

Or WOULD I? Hmm. Muha. Muhahaha. MUHAHAHAHAHA!

First in my lineup of random things, have you ever wondered whether rappers are killed/die at a young age because they just wouldn't be good old people?

Seriously, I was thinking about this yesterday. Can you imagine Eminem as an 80-year-old former rap star? ("Would the real Slim Shady please shuffle this way? Please shuffle this way...please shuffle this way...") What about Tupac at 90? Yeah, not a pretty picture, is it? I mean, we can already see where this whole Flava Flav thing's headed. You can't tell me he isn't a disgusting old man. That clock around his neck is probably to time his bowel movements...yunno, make sure he's regular and all.

Therefore, I conclude that all rappers are in cahoots on this death thing. That's right, I said CAHOOTS! When one of them starts feeling too old or thinks his career is going to take an unexpected turn, he just has another rapper off him. Of course, they don't really have to go through with it. They can just pretend to be dead and live out the rest of their days as wrinkly old dudes away from the public eye. Who'd be able to tell?

You think Kim and Eminem will still be together/not together when they're 80?

Well, that's enough on that.

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I went to the dentist yesterday. Tell me how it is that a hygienist can pick the crap out of your gums, then have the dentist come in and say, "Hmm, your gums are looking a little puffy, are you brushing them?"

Yes, douchebag, I am! Talk to Empress Pickaxe over here and ask her whether she had fun prodding me with her curved-needle-on-a-stick thing. For all that, I better have a nice tribal design on my gums now. Sheesh. I'm not sure her metal torture device even ever touched one of my teeth.

Sucky hygienist. I hope she develops a second set of wisdom teeth!

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Speaking of rappers, wouldn't it be cool if there was an Amish rapper? I mean, we've got Matisyahu, an Orthodox Jew who does a mix of rap and reggae, so why not an Amish dude?

"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage...Zebedizzle! Performing his new hit...'Get Funky in the Wagon!'"

Instead of background dancers, he could have a bunch of women churning butter, and the whole concert would be held by candlelight. Yeah, that would be sweet. And then he could get in a "rap war" with his rival, Ezekielya (kill ya? Get it?). Whoever wins gets the prize cow and three of the loser's choice of wives.

Ooo, and Zebedizzle's second hit could be "F*ck Electricity!"

"Last night I was plowin' da field
Hopin' to shit that I wouldn't get killed
It'd be so much easier if it wasn't just me
But then I said, 'Y'know what? F*ck 'lectricity!'"

Aw man, I am SO in the wrong business.

Lacey commented: Yeah you are! You should totally quit your job and become a rapper....Hayward wouldn't know what to do with you! Kudos on the rap...can you start a myspace music profile so I can download it to my page???

Kim commented: In retrospect, I'd love to adopt a baby owl and name it Cahoots.

Dom commented: i am giving you zero kudos... that's right! you heard me! zip! zilch! zero! "why?" you ask? well, my dear... you see... i had every intention of giving you two (that's "dos" for your spanish readers) kudos for the whole dentist-commentary thingamabobber(it was really quite excellent. *golf clap*). however, the fact that you named one of your amish rappers "ezekielya," forced me to subtract 2 kudos, bringing your total to zehehero! "no kudos for you!"

Kim commented: Oh no...zero kudos...?! WAHHHH! My heart is breaking! Ooo...ow...there it goes!

Good thing I don't thrive on myspace kudos.

Dom commented: you may have gotten ZERO... yes, ZERO kudos, but not to worry... i still love you, even when you're dorky. HEY! i guess i wove you AWW da time!