The Joys of Homeownership

Originally posted April 18, 2006

First of all, I just opened a new tin of Altoids Smalls and noticed that on the side, it says "BEST BY 26JAN2006B." Will I be ill if I eat an "expired" Altoid? Do mints even expire? Will these Altoids subject me to explosive diarrhea or projectile vomiting? Or both at the same time? How would that situation even work?

Ew, OK, I got off topic. But anyway, I'm going to pop one of these suckers, and if you don't see a blog for a few days, you'll know it's because I'm hallucinating giant grasshoppers on my walls while clutching my intestines.

What I'm really blogging about today is just what I said, the joys of homeownership. To be specific, we have a garbage disposal that doesn't work that well and is leaking water under the kitchen sink (which is annoying, considering we forced the previous owner to replace the floor of that cabinet already), a doorbell that sounds like someone's hitting a triangle inside a sock, and a heater that has multiple-personality disorder.

I discovered the garbage disposal problem one day when I had cut up a watermelon and was trying to get rid of the rinds. The sink kept backing up, and then when I hit the disposal button, it would squirt water and little bits of dirty watermelon rind everywhere. After a few episodes of cursing and repeating the unpleasantry, we came to the conclusion that we just needed a new disposal. It has since been purchased, but we need to install it.

Next, the doorbell. It's living proof that the previous owner probably didn't replace a single thing in there since the place was built in '83 (except for parts of the floor, which are a nice tile). The doorbell unit is the color of a smoker's teeth, and gives out a pathetic little "ding" when someone comes a-calling. Almost like it's crying out in pain. "No, don't ring me...I'm oooold! That hurts! Stop it! *ding* Wahhhhh...why?! WHY?!" We will be purchasing a new doorbell soon. Anything but the "Big Ben" chime is fine with me.

Lastly, the heater. This is a major annoyance right now, actually. The heater itself decides what kind of climate we're going to have in the condo. "Mwahaha, now it's cold! No, hot! Now I'm not going to work for a full day! Wait, no, now I'm going to work for three minutes, but then not again for 4 hours! Dance, humans, dance!" To be totally un-PC, the heater is retarded. Sometimes we can hear it struggling to kick on, but then it gives up (the doorbell's attitude must be rubbing off on it). So, we have to dig up our home warranty papers and get it looked at. No more Mr. Wonky Heater!

Um, well, yeah, that's it. The workers came to paint the new balcony railing today, so that should be over with. We're still deciding whether to chop and lower the fireplace mantle before we paint it (not to mention the firebox needs to be fixed). And I need to retrieve and move in my china hutch, but soooooo not looking forward to carrying it up the stairs. I'm still on the hunt for an area rug I like and that's affordable, and for some piece of furniture to go along the empty wall in the living room.

But for now, I'd just like some heat while I grind up my food and answer the door.

Altoid, anyone?

Dom commented: actually, you CAN get the runs from eating altoids. i learned that in my science class in 7th grade. we dared some guy at me table to eat my entire box of altoids all at once and the teacher told us that it does that. so, i guess you would have had to have eaten them all in one sitting to do that. as for the giant grasshoppers... who knows how many THAT would have taken!

Kim commented: Yes, but my question isn't whether I can get the runs from eating A LOT of Altoids, but from eating expired Altoids. Well, anyway, question answered...the expired Altoids did not wreak havoc on my insides. The answer to your giant grasshoppers question: 247.