Eternal Sunshine of My Spotless Mind

Originally posted March 29, 2006

or, Letter to Former Friends.

Prepare for a "deep blog."

A few days ago I got to thinking about "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," that movie with Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet in which people can have someone erased from their minds. (This is an excellent movie and I don't know why we don't own it yet.) I started wondering...if this were a service that really existed, would I get someone erased from my mind?

There have been a few people in my life I could have been better off without. Of course, I never realized that until I had known them a while, and of course people and circumstances change over time, which serve to change personal opinions. But do the good memories outweigh the bad? Was there pain involved? Would I rather have never known these people to begin with?

When I really think about it, I would probably say I'd erase no more than three people from my life. I'm sure I'm probably somewhat to blame for falling victim to their selfishness, ulterior motives and ego problems. But when it comes right down to it, I don't make any excuses for why I'd want them erased. That's my choice to make. They used me, regardless of whether I let it happen or not, and being that they are people who are OK with using their friends, I have no regard for such people. And no, I'm not talking all about ex-boyfriends either.

So, to my former friends, thanks for teaching me a lesson. Each time, I understood this lesson a little more, and I think I'm stronger now. I think I'm more careful about who I really let into my life. It's not a wide open door anymore. I have to hand you a key, and if you misuse it, I'm much quicker to take it back.

Thanks for showing me that when times were tough for you, I was expected to be there, but when times were tough for me, I had to look somewhere else.

Thanks for reminding me that material things can be more important than friendship, and that if there's a struggle, the material things will probably win.

Thanks for being human and showing me that if someone more interesting and exciting comes along, I can expect to become complete history.

Thanks for being selfish during life changes, and instead of helping me through them or recognizing I was having a tough time, you gave up and walked away.

Thanks for undoing all our laughs and happy memories by becoming angry and silent, with little care for whether I even understood why.

Thanks for manipulating me. But that was probably my fault for being young and misguided and giving in to you. You were mean, and I should have seen that. I hope that today you have become a better person/people. I don't wish you any ill-will...I just pray you have found yourself and are doing good in the community.

Thanks for never saying thank you or acknowledging how much I bent over backwards for you all the time. I guess I naively went about my good acts thinking they made you happy, and that I was only doing what I would want done for me. In hindsight, perhaps those things were annoying...? But how would I know. I had nothing but the best of intentions.

Thanks for making me often wonder what my true purpose was in your life. Because you wanted me there, or because I helped enable you to fulfill other plans? The fact that I had to question sometimes made me feel terrible. Is that what you wanted?

Thanks for teaching me to bite my tongue more often, because I knew if I told you the truth or voiced an opinion, I'd be met with adversity and confrontation instead of understanding and honesty. You'd ignore those concerns anyway, so I stopped voicing them.

Thanks for disrespecting me in all the ways I respected you. I felt like crap, but at least you were happy.

Thanks for lulling me into a false sense of security. Really packs that extra punch when you break my trust. Of course, you failed to acknowledge that if/when anyone did this to you, you hated it. I'm not sure how that made you feel OK doing it to someone else.

And finally, thanks for breaking me of the habit of trying too hard. I realize I shouldn't have to try...it should be effortless.

I'm not bitter, old friends -- wherever you are -- just truthful. Just getting it out there. The fact is, I can't erase you from my life....but I can use the lessons you taught me to avoid more failures. You were good for me in a bad way, if that makes sense. Anyway, I hope you all learn a lesson too.

Treat others the way you want to be treated. It really doesn't get any simpler than that.

Dom commented: Kimmy-
yes, people can be poopy (tee hee... poopy), but i am gratelful for all my experiences because they have shaped who i am today (and i'm pretty happy with who i am). when the going gets tough, the tough get going, but i will always love you and be your sister and your fwiend (even if you can't fix my computer or my ipod, or take me somewhere, or burn a cd for me... etc.). ok. i'm done chaneling dr. Phil now.
WUV,
DOM (your favoritest sister in the WHOLE, ENTIRE UNIVERSE!)

Dom commented: ooh... i really DID mean to put two n's. oopsies.

Kim commented: Yeah, I was thinking about this on my way back from lunch and thought that I should have mentioned that in the end, I really wouldn't "delete" these people because then otherwise I never would have learned those lessons. And don't get me wrong, I am happy with myself and my life. Just thought I should put that stuff out there so people don't make the same mistakes. As you said, people can be poopy. At least *I* don't try to be poopy! I give myself 2 kudos. Wuv u 2, Dombo.