Need a Mint?

Originally posted March 20, 2006

If there's one thing you should know about me, it's that I can't stand bad breath.

There's just something so nauseating about being around someone who smells like a fat man sweating in a salami factory in July. You know what I'm talking about. Meat breath. Meat breath doesn't just smell like meat. No, it smells like someone swallowed a decaying carcass, barfed it back up, let it roll around in their mouth for a while, then washed it down with a large glass of hot bacteria gravy. It smells, quite frankly, like ass. It smells like a balding greasy cop bathed in linguisa oil and then sat under a heat lamp. You get the picture.

Next on my list is garlic breath. Don't get me wrong, I love garlic. But when it makes your mouth smell like a hairy Italian guy just got sick, that's a major deterrent. Garlic should be consumed sparingly, and with company. Garlic should never be eaten alone, because then you'll emit an aura that everyone around you will be able to inhale. And it doesn't just emanate from your mouth. Garlic comes out every pore on your body. Inevitably, the garlic consumer will end up at the gym, where they'll proceed to work up a sweat and then make the locker room smell like Mama Gamboni's kitchen. So take a shower. Chew. Gum. Use. Listerine. Or just friggin' avoid the garlic! Simple. And if you do decide to eat garlic, remember that it's your responsibility to prevent or mitigate the consequences. Why should the rest of us suffer?

Another offender is poo breath. Don't act dumb...you KNOW you've been sitting across from someone who's had poo breath before. Poo breath = someone who smells like they just literally ate a turd. And they always want to lean in and have some sort of close-quarters confab, oblivious to the fact that their stink is challenging every fiber of your being to not visibly wince or just turn and run away, arms waving wildly above your head. Poo breath has an easy preventative method. I call it BRUSHING YOUR TEETH.

Morning breath, coffee breath, onion breath. There are many other offenders. I can't stand any of them. If I meet someone and my first impression is "hm, stinky piehole," I will probably avoid that person in the future, or at least come armed with a tasteful tin of Altoids that I will nonchalantly offer around . To you: "Poo breath?? Nah...I just love Altoids. They're curiously strong, you know. Try one!" To myself: "Your mouth smells like a septic tank in France. Please end my misery and eat the damn mint, because the only thing that's curiously strong around here is whatever you ate for lunch that's making your mouth smell like a morgue without refrigeration."

In conclusion, I hate bad breath.