It Gets Worse

Originally posted May 9, 2006

Yesterday I blogged about a "secret" message inside Hershey's candy wrappers: "Candy is a treat. Please consume in moderation."

I neglected to mention what's written on the outside of the wrapper, which is: "Collect codes inside wrapper -- bid online for cool items!" This is part of a promotion they're running called WrapperCash.

OK, now it gets all kinds of ironic. Follow me here.

Right, so each Reese's wrapper, for example, is worth 2 WrapperCash points. The wrapper directs you to visit www.hersheys.com, where you can enter a code and "bank" points in your "account." The points are redeemable for Hershey's merchandise.

There is an alternative offered: Instead of banking the points online, you can send the code via text message to a special number, which will bank the points for you.

To see what kind of "cool stuff" you can get from Hershey's, I visited the Web site. The merch ranges from Standard Crap for 20 points (keychain, magnet set, playing cards) to Semi-OK-But-I-Would-Still-Never-Use-It-Crap for 100 points (golf polo, hoodie sweatshirt, really ugly-ass pillow that looks like a Hershey's chocolate bar).

Let's say you want to get something for 100 points. You'd have to bank WrapperCash from 50 Reese's wrappers.

HOW IS THIS "CONSUMING IN MODERATION?"

I am probably the biggest Reese's pig there is out there, and I'd say it took me half my life to eat 50 packs of Reese's peanut butter cups. That's right math whizzes, that's 14 years. One hundred cups. This promotion runs out on Oct. 31 of this year. That gives you five months to eat 50 (FIFTY!) packs of Reese's, or some other Hershey's candy.

NOT. MODERATION.

Therefore, I challenge Hershey's to explain how they can caution (in the same breath) that candy is a treat, and to eat it in moderation, yet encourage consumers to bank as many points as possible (and providing them with two popular ways to do it) in order to get "cool stuff."

"But, it's the American Way," they'd say.

Pish tosh. You're making people fat! And their reward for a lifetime of adult-onset diabetes and lard-packed arteries is...a fugly pillow?! Fantastic. That's not even touching on the subject that after all that candy, they won't be able to fit into their luxurious new golf polo, which only comes in L and XL, or their plush new hoodie, only available in M, L and XL. Notice something here? No S size? One can deduce Hershey's is anti-S because certainly none of their customers would ever need to fit into something so miniscule, correct?

Hold on...I need to take a swig of Crisco. Ahhh...OK, much better.

I just noticed there's another feature of WrapperCash. You can save the points to bid in special eBay auctions that will be posted on the Hershey's site starting next week. Who knows what really neat-o things will be available for 500 points!

But, since I can't find out yet what the online auctions will have, let's go back to the merchandise-redeemable aspect of WrapperCash. To break it down even further, here is the nutritional content on 50 packs of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups:

Calories: 11,500
Calories from fat: 6,000
Total fat: 650g (1,000% DV)
Sat. fat: 225g (1,150%)
Trans. fat: 0g
Cholesterol: ~250mg (50%)
Sodium: 6,500g (250%)
Total Carb.: 1,150g (400%)
Dietary Fiber: 50g (200%)
Sugars: 1,000g
Protein: 200g
Vitamin A: 0%
Vitamin C: 0%
Calcium: 100%
Iron: 100%

Well, at least you'll eventually get a full day's worth of iron! Woohoo, you won't have to worry about being anemic while they're working on the gastric bypass. Whew.

Dammit, I think I've officially ruined candy for myself now. And I'm starting to guiltily think of all the gluttonous aspects of things that kick candy's ass, such as cheesecake, It's It, Ben & Jerry's, Starbucks frappuccinos...

Eh, I guess as long as I don't have 50 frappuccinos all at once, it's OK.

Aw, crap.

Dom commented: mmm... i like all of your alternatives. now i'm giving you two "kudos." you can go pig out on those too.

Jodie commented: Maybe we can have a candy wrapper drive, and we can put them all together & show them they can't make us fat. Their plan would be ruined. We would laugh.

Kim commented: Yes!! And we can share the hoodie. I call every other Friday and the first Tuesday of every month. Is XXXL OK?