Fine Print

Originally posted May 11, 2006

OK, totally off-topic, but I just wanted to say that today I saw a blind woman with a tattoo. I...wha.....huh?? I mean, to each his own, but do you really want a tattoo if you can't see it? And how could you check that it's what you wanted when it's done? "Is it a beautiful sunset? It is?! OK, thank you! I love it! I've never seen a sunset before, but I hear they are just gorgeous, and I want it on my body for all the world to see, even though I have no idea what it looks like! Oh, I am just so excited!!" Just wondering...how...this....works.

So apparently I've fallen victim to wrappermania lately. Given that I've been analyzing Hershey's antics in labeling its candy, I couldn't help but read the fine print on a snack I ate the other day.

To preface this, I have a message for my sister: Yes, I did "steal" a trial-size ThinkOrganic! Cashew Pecan 100% Organic Fruit and Nut Snack Bar from your house last week. I like to keep emergency purse snacks, and this just happened to fit the bill (you know my love affair with cashews). In case you feel jaded by this, dear sis, just know that you didn't miss anything special. Besides, it was pretty flattened and shoved in a Ziploc bag with other random, seemingly forgotten fare, so I figured no one would care.

This bar advertises itself as: "100% organic ingredients, all natural, vegan, and wheat & gluten free." The ingredients listed are organic dates, organic raw cashews (interjection: what else would they be? cooked cashews??) and organic raw pecans (aren't nuts already "raw?" oh...a co-worker just mentioned roasting...OK, this explains it).

Keep in mind that this is a VEGAN product.

Next, the fine print:

ALLERGY INFORMATION: Manufactured in a plant that processes peanuts, nutmeats, soy, milk and egg products. May contain pieces of date pits, stems, nut shells or seeds.

Completely aside from that disturbing last bit (yes, please give me some stems and nut shells...I love spending my money on inedible by-products!), skip back to the part that talks about milk and egg products.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Let's walk through this. OK, so the company is obligated to print allergy information to protect itself from claims by consumers who accidentally ingest something that gives them a reaction. However, if you're going to as far as to imply that if you're allergic to milk and eggs, you may not want to eat this product because you could be exposed to one or both...HOW DOES THIS MAKE IT VEGAN?? The possibility that animal products are in the bar -- even in trace amounts -- does not a vegan product make.

Now, I'm no vegan, but I can imagine that any such types out there wouldn't appreciate this....scheme, I suppose.

I shall continue to ponder the contradictions of the world. To my sister: Please bring home better purse snacks. I like the bunny crackers; I like the tiny Clif Bars. Please deliver. Thank you.

Dom commented: well, in that case, if you're gonna be such a stickler, can anything really be vegan? i mean, wf makes vegan stuff and non-vegan stuff, so isn't it the same deal? who cares anyways! i enjoy eating animal products! yes! that's right! you heard me! milk, cheese, eggs... CHICKEN! yummy, yummy in my tummy! the only people that it matters to are the vegans and, if they're all that concerned, then they just shouldn't eat it? right? hmm... if we're gonna get technical- if their food is prepared by human hands... then they've been exposed to animal products! does this make them cannibals? I THINK NOT! as for purse snacks- you said i didn't miss anything... duh! why do you think it was sitting there? and second, i shall try to have more of an assortment for you next time... what am i? a vending machine? oh, and "Clif" has 2 f's. ha! i caught one! yay for me!

Kim commented: Um...no, it doesn't. Check for yourself at www.clifbar.com. And by "you didn't miss anything special," I meant that it did not taste that good! It was pasty, with soggy nuts in it. Eek, did that come out wrong??

OK, so vegans are exposed to their own hands all the time! That doesn't count. And that's my point precisely...they can choose not to eat it, but first they'd have to know that stuff was in there! And the print was very tiny and conspicuous. You'd almost have to be looking for it on purpose...even after it says VEGAN! all over the front.

Of course, this just backs up my previously held belief that it's almost impossible to be vegan.