Don't Call Me an Idiom

Today I'd like to explore idioms.

According to the dictionary, an idiom is: "A speech form or expression of a language that is peculiar to itself grammatically or that cannot be understood from the individual meanings or its elements."

Take, for example, "like a bat out of hell."

Has anyone ever seen a bat literally exiting hell? The phrase is usually used to describe someone traveling at a high rate of speed. I would venture to say that were a bat actually to make it out of hell, it would probably be on fire, in which case, it probably wouldn't be flying very fast, seeing as how being burned alive is rather unpleasant and makes for bad flying conditions.

Furthermore, why is no one focusing on the fact that a frigging BAT, which is blind, found the entrance/exit to hell!! Why isn't anyone following it and sealing up that pesky portal? Also, I want to know why the bat was in hell. Did he knock over a liquor store or something? Was it that cocaine-running stint back in '68? It was, wasn't it. No, it's OK, I won't tell him you told me. No, seriously, I swear. OK, stop it, I said I wouldn't tell! Jeesh. Anyway, I knew it. Damn lying bat. The full-body tattoo totally gave it away. I'm glad I made him go home that one night. Ew.

What about "like water for chocolate?" I seem to remember this was some sort of film title. But what does it mean? Are we talking a new currency here? Are people in the Amazon suddenly giving up their quests for water in exchange for luxurious piles of chocolate-covered espresso beans? Hey, they could have something there. From here on, I will be showering with bottles of Hershey's syrup. Spread the word...chocolate is the new water! No, you may not lick me. Get your own.

How about when someone "flies off the handle?" Why were they standing on the handle in the first place, and how come it didn't break before they were able to fly off it? Similarly, when someone "flips their lid," what does the lid look like, and why did they flip it instead of throw it? I don't know of many angry people who would flip something (except maybe the bird) instead of just chucking it at the wall. They should change it to "toss their lid."

On a somewhat related topic, I often wonder about clichés. Such as, "a penny for your thoughts." Never has someone actually given me a penny after saying this, which I find to be rude...mostly because it's sort of being an Indian giver, but also because I find my thoughts to be worth much more than a measly cent. Hrmph. Also, if someone will offer me a penny to tell them what's on my mind, why are people paying thousands of dollars to see therapists? C'mon people, wake up and smell the coffee! Ooo...there's another one. I've never actually seen anyone wake up and smell coffee after someone said this. But I want to. That'd be kinda neat if I said, "Wake up and smell the coffee" and someone laid down on the ground, fell asleep, then woke up and sniffed a cup o' joe. Then again, I don't know that I'd stick around long enough to witness that in its entirety. Girl's got a life, y'know.

Anyway, that's my foray into the word world for the night. As I saw on a shirt today: "Bad grammar makes me [sic]."