Tips For Travelers

Originally posted July 11, 2006

Having just returned from a lengthy vacation, I've compiled a list of tips for travelers who plan to partake of our nation's wonders.

1. Never, ever, ever hike with your mouth open. I can't emphasize enough what disaster awaits you if you walk through the wilderness with your maw agape. There are things that fly, things that poop, things that fall and things that swarm. You do not want any of these near your oral cavity (especially the second one). Hike along with both lips touching each other. Make an effort.

2. For the sake of the rest of us, if you're an overweight, middle-aged man, please don't wear pleated khaki shorts with a polo shirt tucked in. First of all, pleated khaki anything should be outlawed, mostly because they make you look like a sausage. Second, who wears pleated khaki shorts and a polo shirt in public? It just screams "tool." Not to mention they're usually paired with Birkenstocks or Tevas, showing off your nasty, unkempt feet. Please, save it for the workplace. Invest in some T-shirts and jeans.

3. Don't think you can hike up the side of a mountain in flip-flops. Really, people, flip-flops DON'T always make you look cool. In fact, you'll look like quite the idiot as you plummet to your death because your no-traction sandal slipped off. Hiking boots, Big 5 or Target, $20. Do it.

4. That pink Kissimee, Florida, windbreaker? Leave it home. Same for the "I got lei'd in Hawaii!" shirt and Disneyland hat. These SCREAM tourist. Also, don't pull your pants up to your chin. This also screams tourist. Not to mention dweeb. Would you wear this crap at home? If so, you should be permanently vacationing at Universal Studios.

5. Fanny packs. Unless you're toting around a gun (for you law-enforcement folk) or a crapload of medication for your asthmatic kid, fanny packs are never OK. We're in the backpack era, people! Fanny packs went out when Paris Hilton lost her virginity. In other words, a long time ago. Besides, backpacks can hold so much more.

6. If we're all getting on a bus or a shuttle or something, just pick your dang seat and sit down! Don't stand in the aisle and argue with your partner over who's going to get the window seat. The rest of us are piling up and want to move forward, and it's 5 million degrees outside. We're not in an accommodating mood. So. Just. Sit. Down. Already. Sheesh.

7. One buffalo on the side of the road is not cause for a traffic jam. Do not stop unless there's a whole friggin' herd of buffalo. While we understand, those of us on our way to somewhere don't want to be subject to your fascination with a lone bison. Either pull over in a turnout area, or just slow down and then continue on. If the buffalo is in the MIDDLE of the road, then you can stop. Otherwise, move on, move on.

8. People, if you bring children camping, please make them go to bed, or at least be quiet(er), at a decent hour. Some of us actually want to sleep, and we're tired of a live serenade of "Tomorrow" from Annie at midnight every night. In case you haven't noticed, there are other people camping in the same campground. Shut up! Also, please watch to make sure your children aren't abusing nature, such as ripping out flowers and foliage. This is rude.

9. Similar rule to above, but involving dogs. If the mutt has a tendency to bark late at night, muzzle it. Or if it does bark, tell it to be quiet. Actually do something about it, please! It's not fun to wake up at 2:30 a.m. because the mangy cur is having a "conversation" with distant howling coyotes, and then have to listen to it for an hour because you don't get off your butt to calm it down. Please, have some consideration for others.

10. If you choose to go somewhere with your children, please treat the kids like you actually love them and want to be on vacation with them. After all, it was your decision to bring them. Maybe you don't realize, but it kinda disgusts the rest of us when we have to listen to you telling your kids that you can't stand taking them anywhere, and then watch you yank on their arms or hair or smack them in the face...especially after we've been observing said child(ren) for a while and know they've been pretty OK. It's you, crabby parent, who is having the problem. If you didn't want to be on vacation with your kids, then you should have sent them to camp while you went somewhere else. Your bad. So knock it off.

Well, that's about it for now. And yes, these are all based on things we saw/experienced!

Mrs. Duhamel commented: Had a good time did ya? LMAO! Glad your travels were eventful!!!

Kim commented: It WAS a good time! These things were spread out over 2 weeks. But yup, actually real!