The Name Game II

Originally posted June 15, 2006

Since my last entry, I've had the pleasure (snicker) of editing yet more graduation lists. You guessed it...I found more weird monikers.

*As if it wasn't shocking enough to find two Sparkles, I found a second Champagne (only spelled Shampayne this time). Seriously, are people at the point of naming their children after alcohol? I'm just waiting for the gaggle of boys named Guiness, Hennessy and Courvoisier, and girls named Martini, Cristal and Tanqueray. Sheesh. I mean, I once knew a kid named Sex on the Beach (that was his first name...his middle name was Seth), but that wasn't nothin' compared to Shampayne.

*There's a person, I swear under oath, named Yu Mee. First name Yu, middle name Mee. I feel this is their parents' way of insulting our intelligence. Or maybe they just want their son (daughter?) to get his (her?) ass (ass?) kicked (taped together?).

*Came across someone named Tsz. WTF, now we're naming kids after noises? How do you pronounce that? Jjjjjhhh. Jzzzzz. I have no idea. Oh wait, "kick my ass." Yeah, that's it.

*Well give these parents an award, they named their daughter Stormy Wethern. That's so cheesy it's almost funny. Sounds like one of those fake newscaster names they'd make up on "Who's Line is it Anyway?" Do you think a name like this automatically sets you up for a career in meteorology? Or just a career in getting your ass kicked?

*Freakin' awesome last name: O. Yep, just the letter O. How sweet would that be to go through life being called Mr. O? Sounds like an assassin, or a ninja...something creepy-cool! "Don't f*** with Mr. O!" Props to the O family. (What are they technically called...the Os? The O's? The Oses? Who knows. Er...knOs. Whatever.)

*Not so freakin' awesome of a last name: Mankiller. You gotta wonder what, at some point in history, earned someone in his family the distinction of mankiller...as in, the only one, because otherwise no one would know who you're talking about when you bring up that Mankiller guy. Not to mention why no one ever changed it to something more innocent...like Bunnynose. I propose changing Scott Peterson's name to Scott Mankiller, and everyone named Mankiller to Bunnynose. Problem solved. And the cuteness factor increases exponentially.

*THE last name to end all last names: Titsworth. OH. MAN. I don't want to imagine what this kid's life has been like. Not to mention his mom...Mrs. Titsworth. What if she's a Sunday school teacher or something? (Child raises hand.) "Mrs. Titsworth?" (Mrs. Titsworth:) "Sinner! Do not call me by name! You shall call me Mrs. Breastvalue!" What if Mrs. Titsworth married Mr. Buttram? It'd be the Titsworth-Buttram wedding. Eek. Then there's Mr. Titsworth. Could you ever in good conscience work for a CEO named Joe Titsworth? Or Richard. Yeah, Richard. Dick Titsworth. EW. You'd almost have to file a sexual harrassment suit just from reading his business card. Plus, kinda makes you wonder how some girl fell in love with and married into the Titsworth name, and then SPAWNED A CHILD to carry it on! Maybe try Jones? Or Buttsniff? Even Buttram is mildly bet...no, never mind. It isn't. Equally bad. Equally bad. Sigh...I wonder if this kid had cute nicknames, like Titsy or Tit-o or the Titmeister. Tittle McDiddle. The Big Titmo. Titstein the Great.

Am I going to go to hell?