Driving Me Crazy...Literally

Originally posted May 19, 2006

Working down my little list of blog topics, today I'd like to talk about driving spots that push me to the edge of insanity. Without further ado, here are the places that make my blood boil the most.

1. Interstate 580E, from Hopyard to the Altamont and beyond. Why does this stretch of road suck so much ass?! Oh, that's right, because Caltrans likes to play a fun game called "Let's Jam a Bunch of Semis on a Busy Commute Route, Then Add in Metering Lights and a Pay Scale, and Keep it at a Minimum of Lanes." Seriously, someone's playing God here, and not in a good way. If you're trying to complete the simple task of getting to Livermore, sure, you could hop off at Santa Rita and truck it over to Stanley Boulevard. But that still doesn't avoid the Seventh Circle of Hell more commonly known as Valley Avenue. I'd advise keeping a bottle of gin under your seat to deal with this gem of a commute....but that's not legal. So, I'll just say to keep a big novel in the car with you.

2. The 92/238 split. Yeah, that's right, you think just because the San Mateo Bridge was smooth sailing, you're gonna get off easy? Think again, punk. As punishment for even assuming it was gonna be a piece of cake, we're going to make you run the labyrinth known as the 92 split. They're going to 880 South! No, North! No, South! No, now they're just getting out of the way to get on Jackson, and the lights are backing up! What're you gonna do, punk? What're you gonna do? You gonna sit in the 880S line? Don't count on having dinner. Gonna wait in the 880N line? Good luck getting out of it before you actually end up on the freeway. Did you remember that big novel you were supposed to put in the car? Aw, you're screwed.

3. Any of the 580/680 interchanges. Caltrans didn't just stop at one screwy 580/680 interchange...no, they had to make four. Four! OK, well, the flyover going south to east isn't that bad, except for the fact that it pretty much dumps you out at Hopyard, right where that nasty Altamont traffic begins (see item 1). But the 580W/680S/680N interchange, and the 580E/680N/680S interchange, and the 680N/580E/580W interchange...what in the blazing infernos are those all about?! I think all three involve some sort of DNA double-helix maneuver where you actually cross traffic to get on the correct freeway. I say the 580E/680N crossover is the worst, but Ryan's top pick is 580W/680S (which, by the way, is always backed up...even on the weekends...so I have to give him that. Then again, just stop going to the mall, people!). It's a wonder I've never been sideswiped on any of these crazy pieces of poor engineering. Feh, even just talking about it is increasing my blood pressure. Must move on.

4. What in the FREAK is that weirdo crossover interchange thing near Emeryville?! You know the one...where if you're headed to the city from the East Bay, it suddenly splits off towards Sacramento? This is a bad, bad, bad idea. I absolutely can't stand this spot...mostly because idiot people won't let you over, but also because it ties up traffic at a place where it's already bad from the toll plaza backing up. This was also where I once saw one of the greatest things ever...a Honda Civic hatchback covered completely in Astroturf...but that's neither here nor there. The bottom line is that, well, it just sucks.

5. Who could forget 580W/238/880? Certainly not me. Is there any reason at all to not hop on side streets and avoid this disaster? Seriously...take your butt into Hayward, go down Jackson and get on 880 or 92 from there! What reason is there to weave through the line of semis backing the whole thing up for two miles? This belies the fact that ALL of 880 sucks, but I'm talking about specific spots...so the interchange it is. In fact...can anyone think of ANY good interchanges in the Bay Area? If anyone from Caltrans should happen to read this...go $@*& yourself.

6. Last, but not least (because I'm running out of time and energy), the entrances to 580W, 880, 238 and 580E from Foothill in Hayward. I mention this spot because the lanes on Foothill are not clearly marked as to where they're going to dump you. F'rinstance, the right-hand lane logically should be marked "580E or 238/880 only." (Coincidentally, this is also a bad spot to get on 238/880, because they have some freakin' weird entrance to 114 or some crap right there, so there's like three different things going on and it gets really frustrating and...oh, you get the picture.) The middle lane should be marked "580W only." And the left lane should say nothing, because it'll keep you off the freeway and land you in Castro Valley. These entrances are right near where I live, so I use them all the time, and I hate, hate, HATE when people decide at the last minute that no, they're not going to get on 580W, they're going to get on 580E, and you better get the hell out of the way because yes, this little triangle divider thing is actually a makeshift lane change! Idiots.

Well, I have successfully given myself road rage while sitting at my desk. What an accomplishment! I give myself two hypothetical kudos.