The Name Game

Originally posted June 13, 2006

t's that time of year again...that time when I get to lovingly edit dozens of graduation lists from our area schools. Aside from the fact that these lists are a testament to the fact that people can't follow SIMPLE FRIGGIN' DIRECTIONS (i.e., don't send attachments, paste the list into the body of an e-mail, first name then last, all in one column...what do I get, an attached filed with three columns, last name first and written in some unintelligible font...), I have come across some seriously funky names.

For real, people, what the hell are you naming your kids?

There's the porn route: I found two (yes TWO) people named Sparkle and one chick named Champagne. There was also a guy whose two middle names were Chesty Puller.

There's the let-me-roll-my-eyes category: A girl named Can-Da'ce (do we really need to get that creative on the spelling of Candace), a girl named Yessica (would the J really hurt that much to spare a kid from a lifetime of mispronounciation?), a guy whose middle and last names were both Flores (Flores Flores...how original) and a dude named Maverick (I bet he hardly ever gets Top Gun references thrown at him).

Next, the OMG-didn't-you-think-this-through-before-naming-the-child?! category: A...um, person...not sure whether it's a girl or a guy...named Bi, a dude named Lacy (yes, a dude), a girl named Poonam (I bet she NEVER gets teased about that...), a guy named Dung (I hope he hangs out with Poonam so people can get the teasing over with in one shot), a boy named Amandeep (think about it), and, I shit you not, a guy whose last name is Buttram. At that point, I'd be changing my name to something...anything...that is NOT Buttram. Basically, "Hi, I'm Kim Buttram" is not going to land you that star news-anchor job you've always dreamed of. That will land you a job as prison broomholder. And by broomholder, I mean... well, you know what I mean.

There's the weird: a guy whose first, middle and last names all start with X. Sweet, who wouldn't want their initials to be XXX! And there's a chick named Precious, but a co-worker tells me that's popular in the South. (However, I'd like to counter that we don't live in the South, so I'm willing to bet poor Precious probably goes by something else...maybe Cher.) There's the scads of Bomquitas, Shaqualahandras and Darshells, etc., but I'll say the most creative spelling I came across was Shnekqua. There also was a Diamondnique (my sister might like this), and a boy named Genesis.

It's a good thing these names were sprinkled throughout and not all belonging to the same person. Because sure as I hell I wouldn't want to be Sparkle Bi Dung Buttram III.

Nope. At that point I'd change it to Shnekqua Chesty Puller. Gotta keep a low profile, ya know.