Why?!

Originally posted July 10, 2006

Why, pray tell, is this business of talking on the phone so apparently difficult?

Why, when I answer my work phone with the standard greeting, am I met with a long pause and then a very tentative "Hellooo?"

Yes, hello, I am here...that was made painfully obvious WHEN I PICKED UP THE PHONE AND SAID HELLO.

Actually, in case you missed it, I didn't just say hello, I also said the name of the company I work for, and my own name, just in case you're clueless as to who you've called. That was about 5 seconds of greetings, for the record, and somewhere in there you should have figured out that yes, there is someone on the other end of the line.

Therefore, there's no need for your tentative, questioning and extremely irritating helloooo. I am here. You know that. This irks me just as much as when I answer the phone with the name of my business, and then you ask if you've reached that business. Good job, Captain Obvious, you know how to listen!

This is how a normal conversation usually goes. Please take notes.

Me: (name of company), this is Kim. (I prefer to keep the name of my workplace private because I do a lot of bitching about it.)
Caller: Hi. Crabby complaint. I called yesterday and crabby complaint, but no one called back. Now I want to pester you with crabby complaint, and if you don't do something about it, crabby crabby crabby someone higher up! Crabby!!
Me: I'm sorry about that, sir. You actually need a different person, because I only handle local news stories, not crabby complaint. Would you like me to transfer you now?
Caller: No! I want you to take care of crabby complaint even though you have nothing to do with crabby complaint! And I want it crabby taken care of crabby now!
Me: Well, again, I have no power over crabby complaint. Screaming bitch and really, really deaf old man, I usually handle them. But I'm afraid crabby complaint is out of my hands.
Caller: I'm 900 years old! I've been a subscriber since dirt was invented and I can't believe you're not willing to help me with crabby complaint! Who do you think you are??
Me: We thank you for your longtime patronage, but unfortunately, that has nothing to do with crabby complaint. For crabby complaint you need lazy underpaid grouch who never answers her phone. Not me. I handle the reporters and assignment of local news. If you have a news tip, I can take it. Otherwise, I can transfer you now, or I can give you lazy underpaid grouch's number so you can crabby her directly...
Caller: I'm a war veteran! I've killed Japs and Nazis and earned a Purple Heart! I was even around when the wheel was invented and saw Jesus Christ walk the earth himself! And yet you can't take care of crabby complaint? What kind of business is this?
Me: Sir, I have to go to a meeting now. (It's a lie.) Would you like me to transfer, or would you like lazy underpaid grouch's phone number?
Caller: Don't try to blow me off. I oughta come down there and crabby in person is what I should do. Now just go into your computer thingy and fix crabby complaint. I'll wait. And hurry the crabby up.
Me: But...I don't have access to that information, sir. As I told you, I am in a DIFFERENT DEPARTMENT. I handle LOCAL NEWS. I am not able to fix crabby complaint!!! I can transfer you RIGHT NOW to the person who can, but IT'S NOT ME! Now, what is your preference?
(Caller hangs up. Thank you for time well-spent.)

But see? No where in there did he say "helloooo" or even remotely indicate that he didn't hear someone answer. For that, I love caller dearly. Please, other callers, model yourselves accordingly. Except for the crabby complaint part.