Spamalot

I wrote an entry a while ago (OK, not that long ago...before I left for vacation, but that seems like ages ago now...siiiiiiigh) about Spam. Yes, good ol' comes-out-shaped-like-the-can Spam. Good ol' I-have-no-idea-what's-in-it-but-hey-I-think-I'll-eat-it! Spam. Good ol' is-it-sperm?-is-it-ham?-why's-it-called-Spam? Spam. Mmm mmm. Spamarino.

Anyway, in that entry I pondered how Google Mail tailors its sponsored links to users, because I keep getting recipes for Spam popping up on top of my inbox. Well, kiddies, I figured it out. And boy do I feel retarded. (In other words, no different than usual.)

See, there is a link you can click on in gmail that takes you to all the mail it's set aside as what it believes to be spam. When you erase everything, it shows the message, "Hooray! No spam here!" Then, because for some reason it doesn't recognize its own message and ignore it, it thinks you're interested in Spam, and voila...the recipes come a-flowin' in faster than fat through Louie Anderson's arteries.

What other recipes have I gotten, you ask? Get a load of these:

*Spam Confetti Pasta (yes, we need to dress it up with the word "confetti" to make it fun, because it does, after all, contain Spam. Wouldn't want to fool ya, consumer!)

*Spam Fajitas (that's just wrong, and also probably violates some bilingual rule. Like, they should probably use iSpama! -- with the i being one of those fancy shmancy upside-down exclamation point things they use in Spanish...what is that called, anyway, and why do I feel it's wasteful?)

*Spam Hashbrown Bake (anytime I hear the word "bake" in a food name, I automatically think of casseroles that contain unidentifiable leftovers being scarfed by potheads...and I concede you may need to be high to eat this concoction)

*Spam Imperial Tortilla Sandwiches (so out there that we're going to slap a big sparkly name on it to get you to eat it! Also, when you take a bite, does a crown appear on your head while a fanfare plays? Is the crown shaped like Spam?? Yay!)

*Spam Quiche (being part French, I am automatically mad at Americans for soiling zee delicacy of quiche with zee abhorrence zat eez Zpam)

*Spam Primavera (not really primavera if we're involving a meat product, is it?)

*French Fry Spam Casserole (as if it isn't bad enough, now we're going to pack your aorta with french fries at the same time!)

*Spicy Spam Kebabs (sorry, my first thought is "barf")

*Spam Veggie Pita Pockets (again, not veggie if Spam's in there...although I do have to say this sounds like the least offensive of the recipes)

Believe me, there's more where that came from. Now now, I know some of you may like Spam, but you have to admit it's a weird "food." Anything that comes out still in the shape of the can should not enter a human body (except cranberry sauce, and that's just the nature of it, folks).

Hey, at least they didn't list any alcoholic drinks containing Spam. But seriously, I wouldn't put it past 'em. Spam on the Beach, anyone?