Wham Bam, Thank You Ma'am

Yesterday I was at Jamba Juice and found myself calling after a woman when I noticed a set of keys on the counter.

"Ma'am! Ma'am! Are these yours?" I said.

For some reason that got me to thinking about the word "ma'am." I started to wonder if it's...well...rude. "Ma'am." It sounds so demeaning and impersonal: "Well I'm sorry, ma'am, I can't help you with that." (Here's where I should insert a note that I'm generally not against things that are demeaning and impersonal, especially when they are to my benefit, but considering I myself can be labeled "ma'am," I decided to explore it further.)

So I walked my butt (OK, my fingers) (ew, I just used butt and fingers really close together in a sentence, that disturbs me) (please note this blog has nothing to do with either butts and/or fingers, please wipe this from your memory and continue reading) (ew, I just said wipe! really close to butt and fingers! what is going on?!) (hold on, I need to vomit) (OK, done) over to Wikipedia, where I entered "ma'am" to see what I could find.

Pretty funny entry, actually. Here what it starts out with: "Madam is used in direct address, without the woman's name, for example when addressed by a stranger: May I help you, madam? In the United States, 'Ma'am' is usually used. The male equivalent is sir."

OK, so that part isn't funny, but the next part is: "In English-speaking countries, the wife of a foreign dignitary is called Madame (note final 'e') in direct address and formal correspondence, rather than the equivalent word in the person's native language (Señora, Frau etc.). However, one must be careful not to use this term in other contexts, as it traditionally refers to the female head of a brothel.

After addressing her as 'Your Majesty,' it is proper to address The Queen of the United Kingdom as 'Ma'am' for the remainder of the conversation."

Alrighty, first of all, can you imagine accidentally calling the wife of a foreign dignitary the head of a brothel? Ha! (However, I was always under the impression that the head of a brothel is a madam, not a madame. These are pronounced differently. MAD-im versus mad-AM. But what do I know, I'm just an unfrozen caveman lawyer.)

Also, it's OK to call the queen of England ma'am?! That's like "Hello, Your Royal Highness," and then, "What up, woman?! How's it hangin', beeyotch? You wanna have some crumpets 'n' shit?"

I do not understand this ma'am usage.

All this reminded me of the first time I was referred to as "madame" rather than "mademoiselle" in France. Basically, this is the difference between "ma'am" and "miss," or "woman" and "girl." I think I was 15 and a waiter was asking me if I wanted wine. Not only was he calling me madame, he was asking if I wanted wine! I felt so grown up. Ew, barf, a personal moment. Are you getting that not-so-fresh feeling?

I digress. Of course, none of this touches on Marcy's habit of calling Peppermint Patty "sir." I think everyone has their own theory about that.