Just Say No

Originally posted Feb. 16, 2006

I know you're probably sick of me blogging about "American Idol," but I've been wanting to blog on this subject for a while and it's always been too busy to sit down and type it out.

What I'm talking about is the concept of "no." In watching Idol, I've come to realize that a lot of young people today just aren't comfortable with being told no. Just last night, a girl was informed she was cut from the competition and she promptly said, "I can't believe they told me no."

There are many issues surrounding this. First and foremost being that I believe many parents today just don't deny their kids of anything. They're not used to hearing no! Many American children have grown up in an environment of gluttony and instant gratification. They get cell phones when they're 6. They get laptops for Christmas. Most of the people I went to high school with in an upscale town got new (NEW) cars the day they turned 16. Some kids don't need to work or learn to make a living because everything is done for them. Their parents pay the bills, put food on the table and maintain a roof over their heads.

Back when I worked at Blackhawk Movies, I learned that spoiled children are the biggest punks....because they know that whatever trouble they get in or damage they cause, their parents will come bail them out. Thus, I ended up painting over graffiti every week. Or fixing something that had been broken. Or breaking up fights. Or searching for inventory that had been stolen. You get the drift.

I'm not saying I'm any better than anybody else, but I know I didn't grow up quite like the people I went to school with. I didn't get my license until 17, and even then, it was because I had to get to my job. And I didn't land some brand-new hot car. No, I was driving my mom's 1976 Mercedes -- the same car that brought me home from the hospital the day I was born.

If you think a '76 Benz sounds cool....think again. Half the time I had to sit on a flashlight when driving at night so I could see the speedometer (dash light was unreliable). The gas gauge stopped working. You had to hold the blinker up or down because it wouldn't stay in either position by itself. The FM part of the radio stopped working, so I only had AM. Eventually, the radio stopped working altogether. The back seatbelt buckles disappeared. Seriously...disappeared. The driver's side passenger door could only be opened from the outside. The heater only worked in the summer and the A/C only worked in the winter. Occasionally, the catalytic converter would burn out and we'd have to get a new one (I think it went through four). One time the muffler fell and had to be reattached with a hanger. Another time there was a fire under the hood.

Meanwhile, I worked while going to school. Landed a job at 17 and worked weekends and some weeknights. Sometimes until midnight or later. Starting at 18, I paid for everything except food, rent and health insurance (job didn't provide it). I opened my own checking account. I got my own pager, and then a cell phone (but not until the late '90s). I paid for gas, shopping, Internet, etc. I paid to go on two international choir tours, about $3K a pop. Eventually when I got to college, I paid for that too, using bonds and savings. When the Mercedes got super unreliable, I bought my own 2001 VW Jetta.

I just don't think a lot of kids today are like that, or would even be comfortable with being that independent so young. Mind you, I'm talking about the majority. I'm not saying there aren't any people like this out there at all.

My parents weren't like other parents. We weren't "rich"...I'd say we were well off, but certainly not rich. And my sister and I weren't really brought up to pride ourselves on how much money our family had. My mom wasn't raised in this country, so she has foreign ideals and values. That's why I describe my mom as "foreign" when people ask. My mom liked to buy things for my sister and I at times, and I definitely won't deny that she has high-end tastes, but as for me, I don't think it's ever affected how I think of myself. I've learned to be self-sufficient, independent and responsible. I pay all my bills on time, and I try to pay the total balances off each month. The result is less heartache, and a good credit rating that made pre-qualifying for a house even easier.

But, maybe it's also because I've always had somewhat of an independent nature.

Still, I would not by any measure say that my sister and I grew up in a "yes" household. I learned to expect my mom to say no to things. She was strict...not a total tyrant, I don't think, but definitely strict. And today, I think it's instilled in me that no matter how much you hope to hear yes, you should expect to hear no. The result is that you won't be as disappointed as if you held false hope the entire time.

That's what I extend to these Idol contestants. If I were to audition, I would hope to hear yes but expect to hear no. It's part of my nature now. And that's because I don't think I have ever, ever been given a long streak of yesses on my heart's desires. Look at young adults today...they're having sex younger, having kids younger, getting married younger (and more often), getting divorced younger (and more often), getting into more and more debt, getting into more and more trouble. And that's because kids are so used to "yes," they just go ahead and do these things without really thinking about anything else. Sad.

Parents need to teach kids to be responsible adults; parents need to say "no" to some things! I know that someday when I have children, they will have discipline in their lives. They will hear "no" sometimes. They won't be bought a toy every time we go to the store. They won't be able to eat what they want right then (junk food) just because they want it. On the flipside, they'll be loved. They'll be told "yes" on reasonable things. They'll be allowed to have friends over on occasion. They'll be able to have a treat when they deserve it or I feel they can have it. They'll be able to get a toy at the store if their behavior has been good and they've earned it.

If that last paragraph sounded uncomfortable to you, think about this: Did you get told "no" enough?

If the answer is yes...please, pay it forward. I think today's young generation is headed for trouble.