'Idol' Hands Are the Devil's Playground

Originally posted Jan. 26, 2006

"American Idol" is back on, and I have to admit, I've been glued to the DVR. But the more I watch (and despite the more I laugh at the merry band of idiots they've been parading through), the more I wonder about people's frame of mind regarding the show and their audition.

Seriously, do people not expect to hear "no" when they go to an audition? The whole point of an audition is it's a yes or no process. It's one thing to think positively and hope you hear yes, but I swear, some of these people look like they just got told they have a terminal illness when all's said and done.

How can one show up wearing a Statue of Liberty costume and not expect to get shut down within the first three notes? How can one walk in looking every bit the Paris Hilton impersonator, not answer questions directly, sing badly, and then act crushed when they get the ax? This makes no sense to me. You go to an audition to see if you have what it takes. If you don't, you don't pass the audition. This is a fundamental part of the tryout process! I know, I know, a lot of these people are young and sheltered, and they've been strung along by people too nice to tell them they suck, but honestly, to get all mad and make an ass out of yourself on national TV when you simply hear "no" is going a bit too far. At least be gracious in case you decide you wanna come back next year. Or, at the very least, be gracious so you can still go out in public when you get back home.

I think that in auditioning to become someone who wants the viewing public to vote for them, the rules are simple:

-Be yourself. Get it together before you walk in. Don't act like a spaz, don't ramble and don't be annoying. Just be relaxed (or at least act relaxed, as I know auditions are really nerve-wracking), and act sane.
-Wear normal clothes. No costumes. Don't wear a ball gown, don't wear a prom dress, don't wear a tux, don't dress like a stripper or a prostitute, don't dress like a slob and DO comb your hair. Leave ALL props at home (including annoying family members). Basically, dress like you would for a first date. You wouldn't wear a prom dress or a tux on a first date, right? But you WOULD dress to impress and groom yourself, right? Because you want the person to like you...riiiight?? What's the problem here? Is the majority of America's youth really that inept? Just be normal! Yeesh.
-Yeah, those annoying kiss-up lyrics like "Simon's my man"? They're annoying, and such an obvious attempt at sucking up is usually rebuffed. I recommend ditching the practice.
-Overly emotional displays end up looking fake or attention-hungry. There was this chick on last week whose father is in prison, her mom ran off and she's living with her grandpa, and they asked her how it felt to have a dad in prison, then ZOOMED in on her as she cried into the camera and said it sucked. Maybe I'm callous, but it all looked so rehearsed. She had a good voice, but in the end, her breakdown and her incessant talking made me think she might be annoying to watch for the rest of the season.
-Don't ask to do another song. And for the love of all things holy, don't do another one anyway even after they tell you no. Do you really think that's going to get you through? Not listening? If you suck the first run through, that's it. You blew the audition. Part of the audition process is being prepared. And oh yeah, if they don't like your song and DO tell you to do another one, you better have a back-up handy. Because it's going to get reaaalllllly old really fast if you just stand there going "ummm...."
-Don't tell the judges you're cute when you're not. There was some chick whose voice reminded me of Cyndi Lauper, and her argument was "I'm cute..." No, you're not. You're far from cute. I think "I'm unique" would have gotten her a lot farther. Be honest.
-A judge is not an "ass" if he/she critiques your performance. That's their job. How long has AI been on? And you don't already know what Simon's comments are like? Don't act all surprised when he dishes one out on you. You walked in there knowing he probably would. So. Get. Over. It.

I could go on all day. Basically, I think people should take ownership of their auditions. All they do is sit around blaming the judges for not "recognizing my talent." How about someone finally saying, "You know, I thought I was going to do better than I did, but I went in and I was nervous, and I screwed the whole thing up." And....do people not record themselves and listen to the recording? Maybe if they did, they'd hear how awful they are. But I guess tone deaf is tone deaf, and if they hear it as "good," not a whole lot is going to change their mind. At that point, anyone who tells them they suck is just being "unsupportive."

I've been singing with choirs for many years and have gone through many an audition. Obviously, some of the AI tryouts are just hyped up for TV entertainment value, but I'm going on what I know. And what I know is...don't try out unless you're really sure you have a passing chance! Because the lack of confidence will really shine through.

Lastly, one year of voice lessons and no other singing experience is NOT enough to go on, unless you were born with a raw talent, which only happens to a rare few. Give it some time...maybe come back and audition in two or three years when you're ready. The new cutoff age is 28...you've got some time, 17-year-olds! It's not the end of life if you don't make it this time.

Well, happy viewing anyway. It's always entertaining hearing what different talents there are out there.