Another Doozy of a Phone Call

Originally posted Oct. 19, 2005

I know you love 'em.

Picture it: 9:30 a.m., Oct. 19, 2005. A young peasant editor unassumingly answers her phone, hoping for an exciting tip...or at least a thrilling hang-up call.

ME: Standard greeting.

(VERY) OLD MAN: "Hello?"

ME: "Yes...hello..."

(V)OM: "I don't hear too well, so you're going to have to speak up."

ME: "OK!"

(V)OM: "I'm calling because I read in the paper the other day or maybe a few weeks ago and heard on the radio that Congress is talking about extending Daylight Saving Time."

ME: "YES, THAT'S CORRECT."

(V)OM: "I'm sorry, are you talking to me, Lynn?"

ME: (Lynn?) "YES, I SAID THAT'S CORRECT."

(V)OM: "Oh, well, I was hoping you could give me more information."

ME: "I'M SORRY, BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY INFORMATION BEYOND WHAT YOU READ IN THE STORY AND HEARD ON THE BROADCASTS."

(V)OM: "I'm sorry, hold on. Are you talking to me, Lynn?"

ME: Silence. Am I Lynn? Is there someone else with him named Lynn? Who is he talking to? Silence continues. I realize Lynn is, indeed, me. "YES, I SAID I DON'T HAVE ANY MORE INFORMATION!"

(V)OM: "Well, I thought the newspaper was supposed to know these things. I want to know if they made it a law, or were they just talking about it?"

ME: (talking painfully loud by now) "I DON'T THINK THEY MADE IT A LAW. THEY WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT IT, LAST I HEARD."

(V)OM: (obviously didn't hear me and is now angry) "I thought newspapers were supposed to know. Well thanks anyway." CLICK

Moral of the story: PLEASE do not call the newspaper (or any business, for that matter) if you CAN'T HEAR. In fact, don't even approach the phone. Don't think about the phone, don't say the word "phone," don't play with toy phones. The phone and you are no more.

The phone is dead to you.