Merry Madness

I was sitting in chorus rehearsal last night when I realized...

Some holiday songs just ain't right.

For example, "We Wish You a Merry Christmas." It starts off all nice:

We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
And a happy New Year.

Good tidings we bring
To you and your kin
Good tidings for Christmas
And a happy New Year.

All of a sudden, it's a multiple-personality song!

Now bring us some figgy pudding,
Now bring us some figgy pudding,
Now bring us some figgy pudding,
And bring some right here!

Good tidings we bring
To you and your kin;
Good tidings for Christmas
And a Happy New Year!

See the odd mood swing there? What is the deal with the sudden demand for this figgy pudding? Have you even looked up a recipe for figgy pudding? It's nasty! Anything that involves pureed figs, walnuts and baking in the oven is an offense to humankind. And I'm not bringing anything without a "please."

But wait! What's this?

We won't go until we get some
We won't go until we get some
We won't go until we get some
So bring some right here!

What?! Not only do you come into my house rudely asking for figgy pudding, now you won't get the hell out without some?? What kind of holiday cheer is this? I really don't want to be going into the kitchen and slaving over fig paste just so my houseguests will leave. There's just something wrong about that. Very wrong indeed.

Next we have "Winter Wonderland." Why is everyone pretending the snowman is Parson Brown? Who IS Parson Brown? Either he's really cool, or he's a total schmuck. You have to be one or the other in order to have a snowman in your likeness. Especially when at one point in the song, he becomes a circus clown and "all the other kiddies knock him down." Hmm. Methinks Parson Brown may be a big dweeb. Might wanna think about a name like Dylan or Chaz. Something less...Parson-y.

Lastly, "Let It Snow" has disturbingly sexual undertones. "The lights are turned way down low"? "We're still goodbye-ing"? So...this is how we celebrate the birth of Jesus, eh? Interesting. I see where the priorities lay...

Also, being from California, what the heck is so cheerful about snow all the time?! It's cold! And wet! I find no reason to be singing such happiness about solidified rain. Or ::shudder/gag:: figgy pudding.