Grinchtastic

This is why I hate holiday shopping at the mall.

First, it takes forever to find parking. I could find a cure for cancer in the time it takes to find a decent spot. I say decent because invariably it has to be raining on the day you go shop. Or at least mildly yucky. And you know that you're not going to want to soak your pant legs carrying an armful of goods to the awaiting chariot.

Finally, you settle for a quasi-OK spot and trudge inside, but not before having to dodge the jerk backing his car out without looking and the lady pushing the quadruple stroller while yakking on her cell phone and balancing a venti Starbucks.

There is now only 40 minutes left of your lunch break, so with determination you head to your desired store. But no! Wait! You must run the gauntlet of kiosks situated oh-so-conveniently in the middle of the mall! The entire LENGTH of the mall. They all beckon with the same annoying line: "Can I ask you a quick question?" No. You can't. If I wanted you to ask me a question, I would just stand motionless in the middle of the mall and allow you buzzards to set upon me at free will. I'm moving here, buddy! With determination! You may not, at any time, ask me a "quick question." In fact, I'm annoyed that you even asked me if you could ask me a question. Now I'm going to ask YOU if I can stick my foot up your bum.

Sidenote: Why does there always have to be that one creepy Eastern European guy who wants to drape some heated beanbag thing on your shoulders or massage lotion into your hands? I find this the ultimate in Comfort Bubble violation. I do not find pleasure in being molested by Count Dracula and his mall minions, especially when I am in a hurry. And I despise them even more because they completely bypass the whole "quick question" ploy! I sentence them to eternal lasagna from Sbarro.

Anyway, you manage to make it to your desired store. And, because the store is busy, you actually get to shop for once without being harassed by salespeople. Score! This is the only positive aspect of holiday shopping at the mall. But it's short-lived satisfaction, because it's time to head to the register. First, the line is never less than five people deep. You are usually the fifth/last person. You have one item. Everyone in front of you has 247.5 items. There are two people working the register. One is usually having some sort of computer problem and is spending every precious second banging on buttons and/or scanning and rescanning an item while shaking her head -- "No, I don't know what's wrong, it's not letting me do it." The other employee is usually having a heated exchange with a customer who speaks minimal English and is angrily trying to understand why she can't use two coupons at the same time. OR, he/she is trying to return something and doesn't have the receipt. The employee becomes exasperated and fetches a manager. The manager has the same EXACT dialogue the employee just had with the customer. Customer huffs and puffs; everyone left in line shakes their heads and rolls their eyes. Your lunch break ended five minutes ago. This is right around the time that employee #2's register also decides to act wonky (immediately after, I forgot to mention, some deal has been struck with angry customer).

Somehow, you finally make it to the front and it takes less than two minutes to purchase your item. WTF? Why is that so hard for everyone else?

Time to head back to the car, but first you have to squeeze past the couple holding hands, walking slooooowwwwly AND blocking the whole mall walkway.

I wonder if the Grinch has high blood pressure.