End of the Week Laugh

Via yet another e-mail. I present to you...The Female Demerit System.

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

*You make the bed (+1)
*You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
*You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
*You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
*In the rain (+8)
*But returnwith Beer (-5)
*You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
*You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
*You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
*You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
*It's her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

*You stay by her side the entire party (0)
*You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a collegebuddy (-2)
*Named Tina (-10)
*Tina is a dancer (-20)
*Tina has silicon implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

*You take her out to dinner (+2)
*You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
*OK, it's a sports bar (-2)
*And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
*It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

*You take her to a movie (+1)
*You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
*You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
*You take her to a movie you like (-2)
*It's called "Death Cop" (-3)
*You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

*You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
*You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
*You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggyHawaiian shirts (-30)*You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION

*She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter what]
*You hesitate in responding (-10)
*You reply, "Where?" (-35)
*Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

*When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
*You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
*You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
*She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)